It's just one of those… few months!

Life for me the last few months has been a practical application of the word "flexibility".  Good thing I have that one firmly tucked under my belt - thanks YWAM - and so it hasn't exactly thrown me… but my neck is a little sore from all the whipping around!  Here's an example: I have honestly tried to sit down and write a newsletter about 6 times since my last one - which was like in December or some crazy long time ago.  For one reason or another it hasn't gotten written, and about two days after each attempt to write it, pretty much everything I was going to say I was doing fell apart, changed, or for whatever reason became non-existent.  WEIRD.  So I've been kinda glad I never actually wrote anything, or I would have had to turn around the next week and send a one liner that says, "I'm sorry.  Disregard everything in the last newsletter, because it's not happening anymore".  hmm.  Maybe what I have perceived as a lack of motivation has actually been God's hand intervening, knowing this roller coaster I'm on will be taking some 360's I'm not expecting.  I do know that He DOES KNOW, and that's really pretty comforting in the middle of the chaos!

I'm taking a few days to pray through all these changes though, so I can be sure I'm making wise decisions based on the things that have transpired.  You know how at times you feel like you are in a car just sort of spinning out of control, and really what you need is a huge magnet that will come down and *SLAM* into the roof just to stop it so you can see straight for a minute?  Yup.  That would be nice right about now.  I've decided to get out of the car all together and take a hike down to where I can sit on the grass by the river's edge completely distancing myself from the sounds of the other cars flying past me.  I need some "still water", and some "restoring of my soul".  


Hey - side note - I know I have told a few of you about this incredible new piece of history I learned at church a couple of Sundays ago, but let me tell the rest of you cuz it's way cool:  Apparently the Jews in Bible times were hugely afraid of the water in a lake because they thought there were demonic forces that lived in the bottom of them.  So being fishermen was a huge challenge for them!  Think about what the implications of that fact have to do with these two stories:  Peter walking on the water, and Psalm 23.  What hit me most was the Psalm 23 part.  

This is an example of a picture
from the Bible Story Book

You know how we grow up believing that the "still waters" of Ps 23 are peaceful and calm?   I was raised in a 7th Day Adventist school, and we had these Bible story books where all the pictures were sort of… soft and perfect. I always thought about it like that - Jesus sitting with me beside a beautiful stream with a few awesome trees and lots of green grass where we would lay on our backs and get lost pointing out cloud shapes… all in rather soft pastel colors.  Yeah!  That was the picture my whole life.  Until now.  


If the Jewish connotation of "still waters" was where demonic forces lived, then really, God is promising to lead us by our most terrifying fears… but promising also to restore our souls in the process.  WOWSER!!!  I don't know about you - but that rocked my world.  No more laying there whistling through blades of grass without a care in the world!  Here's the kicker though - my God has promised to not just walk with me past those terrifying things, but He is LEADING me beside them!  All for the purpose of ultimately restoring my soul, healing my wounds, giving me the grace to face my fears, and strength to look my insecurities and anxieties straight in the eye… because restoration can only come once you see what it is that has ripped you off.  Okay.  So does that rock your world even a little bit??  Am I the only one??  


Sorry - long side note. :)  


Back to where I started… I don't know how all that is going on around me will resolve, but this I do know:  I am NEVER alone.  I have the mastermind of the universe giving me wisdom and direction and discernment.  So if you have some time and would like to pray with me these next few days - that would be awesome!  I am so convinced that I'm on the right path… and I believe that nothing is wasted in God, so I continue to say "bring it!" because all things DO work together for GOOD for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.  And that's me.  I love God, and I'm called.  So yeah. Bring it.  :)  


And keep your eyes out for that newsletter.  I'm pretty sure it's not all that far away.  

I've got to write something - N.O.W.

I was sitting here today stressed out because I am SO overdue in writing a newsletter.  I've been stressed about that for weeks now.  Here's the funny part - I have found that every missionary I know HATES writing newsletters.  It's almost like "newsletter" has become a 4-letter word in missionary circles.  I can be around other missionaries, and if they have a certain edge to their voice, or seem a bit distracted and grumpy I usually say, "In the middle of your newsletter?" And it's almost always followed by a somewhat exasperated and defeated, "Yes."  So why is that?!

There is nothing more exciting to me than what I do in missions.  This journey God has called me to is seriously THE BEST gig I have ever had in my life, and yet to have to sit down and creatively write about it is one of the hardest things to do!  I love to talk about what God is doing, and how he has been directing my every step for the last 14+ years now.  I love to tell people about his faithfulness and how I can't do a day of this without his help and guidance.  I love to tell people about how it's hard work, but I wouldn't trade all I have seen, experienced, and the ways I have grown and deepened my walk with God, for anything "normal".  I love to get others fired up about the God that I love, and the incredible, hands-down action packed life he's asked me to live - walking with me every step of the way.  People have told me over the years how they are just in awe… amazed at how much I have "given up" to be in overseas missions.  I always want to laugh at that, because honestly - I keep thinking someone is going to find out one of these days how much fun I have doing what I do, and how much I love it - and tell me I'm doing it wrong.  I mean seriously - being a missionary is NOT supposed to be FUN - right?!

I knew once I agreed to be a missionary that one of the things I needed to do was go back to my home church, and hopefully one day others, and show them that giving up everything to follow Jesus is the coolest thing you could ever do!  These are not the days of hair in a bun, no makeup, and isolation for years on end in the middle of a people group who would just as soon boil you for dinner, then listen to you try and communicate Jesus' love to them.  The crazy thing is - the missionaries from back in that day have the stories that would make anyone want to stay home (unless, like me, you're a little crazy and think it all sounds like an amazing adventure!).  It's just that for some weird reason they weren't allowed back then to tell those stories with anything other than a deadpan, expressionless face… minus any passion.  It was hard.  It was sacrifice.  It was lonely.  And anything other than that was… wrong.  That was my perception growing up anyway, and the reason I felt the blood drain out of my face when all those years ago sitting on my deck in California I realized God wanted me to be in full-time overseas missions.  THAT (the old missionary model) was NOT ME.  Thankfully, God agreed.  :)

Anyway, I thought today I would at least get something new up on my blog.  It's been way too long.  Even though the need for a newsletter is still stressing me out… I want you to know that God IS up to a whole lot with me here in New Zealand!!  I DO have lots to tell you… but at the moment, I'm waiting for my new logo to be finished for the ministry I'm starting.  As soon as that's finished, I will reveal what has been consuming my time the last few months.  There's been a lot, and I'm hoping it will be worth the wait when you read all about it.  Till then… you might have to endure a few more blog entries.  They are so much easier in that I can just write honestly… and I'm not having to edit and put in photos and all that stuff.  Ugh.  Newsletters.  A necessary evil I suppose - if I can say that without sounding weird.

Let me ask you something… What do you think about newsletters??  Do you like them?  Are they helpful?  Do they bore you to tears?  Is it really worth the effort?  hmm.  Those are questions I ask myself regularly.  Maybe you can throw in your two cents if you have a minute.  Oh - but if you don't have a blog you can't answer here, but you CAN answer on FB when I post this!  Or send me a personal message… whatever.  It would be GREAT to hear from some of you.  It'd be great to hear from ALL of you - but that's just completely unrealistic, so I thought I'd settle with some.  Jump in and let me know what you think!

My bed is calling me now… so I'll come back another day and carry on with another slice of this journey.  I have blog entries running in my head all the time.  Maybe I need to just purpose to say something here more regularly.  Whether people read it or not - !!  hmm.  Will work on that one.

But Lord… seriously…

I don't know about you… but there are times in my life (one of which I am IN right now) where you have to take a good long soul-searching look at who you ARE.  Not what you do, but who you really are as reflected in the eyes of Jesus.  Has what I DO become intertwined in, or defining who I AM?  I know it might be easy to say a quick "nope!" to that, because that IS the correct answer - but what do we really think in our minds and hearts?  hmm.


Having been in transition for, really, the last 3 years or so, I have to keep reminding myself that GOD is the one running the show - not me.  My great ideas usually aren't all that great, and I guess that's good, because then I know that any success I might have is HIS, not mine - no doubt about it.  Right now I know I'm in the right place, and I know God is teaching me so much… but wow.  It's HARD with a capitol H.A.R.D.


I had a Facebook status the other day that said "Jesus did most of his ministry on His way to somewhere else".  How true is that?!  If you really think about it, sometimes the destination is an anti-climax when you look at all He accomplished along the way.  Crazy!  I must admit, it seems that we have been trained and programed WRONG somehow - especially in ministry.  We have it in our heads that being "still" means being "lazy", when the two are not even close to being the same thing.  And that what we do equals who we are.  And that somehow I am completely and totally responsible for my life or ministry being a "success" whatever that means!  If it's not happening… I need to MAKE it happen.


It's real funny because in the church, or in overseas missions, there is an expectation that you should constantly be doing SOMETHING productive, something that produces the numbers, because it seems numbers are what we are concerned with and how we gauge success.  "How many people have you led to the Lord this year?"  "How is your ministry looking on a spread sheet of God things?"  "How many miracles have you seen the Lord perform in your ministry?"  "SHOW ME SOME TANGIBLE RESULTS!!!" Whether those questions are actually asked out loud or not - that's where people are at.  That's what they want to hear.  That's what keeps the support coming.  But how in the world did we ever get to the point of making the determinations that the STATS are what GOD is interested in???  What does HE say is important… it's things like taking care of the least of these… looking after the poor and needy, widows and orphans.  Giving a cold cup of water to someone who's really thirsty.  Speaking up on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves.  Did they get "saved" when you handed them that cup of water?  I don't know - maybe, maybe not.  But that's not MY job, that's God's job to save them.  I am only responsible to be obedient to what He asks me to do - and maybe that was just to give the cup of water and then walk away.  But there's so much pressure to "make the sale" that we get all stressed out when it doesn't happen -- in our presence.


So here I am… kinda tired of being still to be honest.  I want something I can sink my teeth into… something that people can look at and go - AH HA!  Now she's really doing something!  And the Lord keeps saying to me… LOOK AT ME.  LOOK ME IN THE EYE.  Don't worry about THEM.  I am learning I need to quit fighting this place I'm in, and try to enjoy it and learn all I can, because it won't last forever.  And I don't want to miss one special thing from the Lord during this time.  HE is the one I am doing this for… to see HIS kingdom come to earth.  He is the one I ultimately have to answer to, and if He needs some one-on-one time with me right now, then okay!  I have to trust Him to take care of all my needs in that process.


Who am I?  I'm not what I do.  What I DO is merely walking out the Jesus in me.  And here's the verse I am clinging to these days:

"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!  Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."  Hebrews 10:35-36


If you're struggling right now with being still… or confusing your identity in who you are with what you do… be encouraged.  You are NOT alone.  Someone told me the other day that the longer it takes to build the foundation, the wider, the deeper and the stronger it will be.  Do I rush it and force building something that might last, or do I wait and let God build something on His solid foundation that will definitely last?  It almost seems like a rhetorical question, because the answer is so painfully obvious.  I know that in the middle of all the struggle with waiting… it's probably the only way for me to be still enough, settled enough, quiet enough, to look Him in the eye… and hear Him say "you are mine and that's all that matters".  And when I hear that…. I let out a sigh from the depths of my soul and I know everything will be okay.


So Lord… seriously… thank you.

Hunting and Soaring

You know how I have mentioned the hawk who lives in the valley below my shack?  Well, the other day I was watching him flying around again, but this time he wasn't hunting for food.  He caught a wind current and was making huge circles up and up and up into the sky.  He actually got so high I could hardly see him!  I couldn't help but think how much fun he was having!  This particular moment was definitely not about hunting.  It was about enjoying being able to fly!

Sometimes we feel like we're so caught up in the "hunt" that we forget there's a whole other part to our lives… a part for fun and pleasure… enjoying the fact that we have "wings" and can fly - simply for the joy of flying!

I don't know about you… but today… I'm gonna fly for a while, just because.

Weddings, marriage, and some other gushy stuff

I was thinking today about marriage - mainly weddings.  My wedding to be specific.  Now don't get all excited - I am announcing NOTHING.  But I thought I'd share my ponderings with you today just because. Well, why NOT?  This is a blog - right?  


In the last couple years I feel like I've been more "ready" to get married than ever before IN MY LIFE.  The funny thing is, I also feel like there's a narrow window of opportunity, if you will, and if I don't meet someone in this window, I'll move on and that will be that.  It's kind of an odd thought/feeling really.  But, if you know me at all, you'll know that I've never been one of "those girls" who HAD to be married or life was just a disaster.  Not at all.  In fact, the feeling of really WANTING to be married is kinda new in some ways.  I have always looked at it more as potentially a huge benefit to my ministry calling if anything - someone to share all that with, etc.  Well, that, and of course someone to watch my stuff in the airport when I need to go to the bathroom, or wander the shops.  But I guess the part about the threat of not being on the same page once you ARE married still freaks me out a bit, and makes me think - nope!  I'm good to go just like I am thanks!!  ha.  When I think about how great it COULD be though if you ARE on the same page, going in the same direction… then I'm like - okay.  I'm up for that!  :)  I guess ultimately it doesn't matter what I'm up for though, or where I'm at with it all… God will either bring someone along or not. Plain and simple.  My thinking has been more like… okay God.  If that's what you WANT, then I just want to let you know I'm good with that.  Well, as long as he's not shorter than I am.  EEK.  


So I was having some time with the Lord this morning, and was thinking about the whole marriage deal - and how that analogy is used so much in the Bible when describing our relationship with Jesus.  That got me thinking about all the crazy stuff going on in the world… flooding in Australia, earthquakes in Christchurch, bizarre over the top snow and winter stuff in the USA, shootings in Arizona, and wherever it just was that kid shot up another school and then killed himself, people STILL dying of curable diseases and lack of clean water around the world, babies being left in street gutters, 400 shacks being burnt to the ground displacing hundreds of people in a township in South Africa, (like life isn't hard enough already for them!), this next generation having the attitude of "as long as you're HONEST with me it doesn't matter who you are, or what you believe".  Crazy.  All of it.  


The Bible says to watch and be ready when you see all these things happening because it means HE is coming back soon!!  Coming back to take His bride… those of us who He has called His own.  The culmination of a waiting period that in our limited view has been the waiting of MANY lifetimes.  So I thought hmm.  My wedding IS coming up one of these days - the final big deal wedding, where it will all be done and over with here on earth like we know it.  The most extravagant and over-the-top wedding anyone has EVER seen!  And I thought… am I ready??  Am I preparing myself for that day when I will be in my white flowing gown standing at the back of the church ready to walk down the aisle and meet my fiance who I love more than life itself?  Or… am I freaking out, frantically trying to wipe the dirt off my face, and grab something clean to wear as I run down the street barefoot to just GET THERE?  Or, worse yet, sitting on a chair in the back yard, in shorts and a tank top fiddling around with who knows what, while everyone is at the church waiting for me…without a clue today is the day?  Do I want this crazy mess of life right now to just be OVER, or am I so flippin excited that I will one day soon get to be with my beloved that nothing else really matters….?  Am I doing my level best to look absolutely stunning to him when he gets that first glimpse of me at the back of the church?  Or am I so blah about it all that I kinda go - *yawn* Let me know when you want me.  hmm.  


I got excited today as we sat and talked!  Excited to think about being with Jesus for all eternity!!  Really, that term "all eternity" is something my finite brain can't comprehend, but I know it's a pickin long time!  No more pain, no more suffering, no more loss, no more conflict, no more fear, no more inadequacy, no more need to loose weight, get fit, or deal with some bizarre incurable disease, no more pain from emotional hurt, no more victimization or abuse, no more enemies or the ultimate enemy trying to lure us into things that will destroy us inside and out, nor more tears and sadness, no more trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to DO with my life making sure I'm still in the calling God has for me, NO MORE.  Gone.  Poof.  Done.

Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens,

   “It has come at last—
      salvation and power
   and the Kingdom of our God,
      and the authority of his Christ.
   For the accuser of our brothers and sisters
      has been thrown down to earth—
   the one who accuses them
      before our God day and night.
 ¹¹ And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
      and by their testimony.
   And they did not love their lives so much
      that they were afraid to die.
 ¹² Therefore, rejoice, O heavens!
      And you who live in the heavens, rejoice!
   But terror will come on the earth and the sea,
      for the devil has come down to you in great anger,
      knowing that he has little time.”  Rev. 12:20-12

You've heard it said many times I'm sure… look around!  The end is coming!  Will it be in our generation?  No one can say for sure.  Every generation thinks it is going to happen in their lifetime.  And one of these days, someone will be right!  So I guess the question put to us all is - do we want to get married, and are we getting ready for that incredible day?  This is our window of opportunity.  Let's make the most of it.  

One week down

How's your new year so far?  It's hard to believe one week is gone already!  It's been an eventful one for me I guess… in that I have seen God's hand moving EVER SO SLOWLY, but moving none-the-less.  Any little thing continues to give me hope.  ha! 


One of the answers to prayer for me is that one of my good friends is going to be moving to NZ to help me with the justice stuff I'm going to be doing this year!  I'm THRILLED that God is beginning to bring people to develop this team!!  I discovered something interesting about me - I love to LIVE alone, but I hate working alone.  I'm so about TEAM and that's pretty much the only thing that seems to bring my brain to life - the bantering back and forth, tossing around ideas, etc.  I love that!!  So that's a very cool start to the new year for me!  


And it looks like my days in the shack are numbered!!  As it's planned right now, I'll be moving back into my adorable little flat that I used to live in here!!  God is so funny - this has become a fantastic solution for everyone that I go back there for a few months!  And, hopefully by the middle of the year I will have my OWN place to move into - if all goes as planned!!!  The cool, and very unexpected part for me, is that all my stuff that I gave away when I left NZ is in that cute little place - so I'm getting it all back!!!  Full circle!!  Crazy! 


I saw a video today about a doctor who felt the Lord ask him to pray over a dead man's body.  The guy had just died of a heart attack.  So he did pray… and the guy came back to life!  You can see the video on my FB page.  What struck me in the whole story was that this doctor had little to NO faith God would raise this guy from the dead… but in his obedience, he prayed anyway.  It made me think about how there are so many (wrong!) people who say that it's about our faith when we pray - people don't get healed because WE don't have enough faith… or the sick person doesn't have enough faith.  Well, guess what?  GOD HEALS.  Not us.  And He heals because he wants to heal for whatever HIS reasons are.  I think our piece in this is to be obedient to pray when God asks us to - like this doctor - but then the results are always and forever in God's hands - regardless of how we feel, or where our faith level is at.  


So I have to keep asking myself - am I obedient to all God is asking of me today?  And if I am, then I can fully rest and trust that GOD will do a work in and through my life today.  I honestly believe it's as simple as that.  Let's not worry so much about our faith levels…. but let's worry more about being obedient to DO whatever we are asked by God to do.  And through that… our faith will grow - no doubt about it, which will push us to be even more tuned in and ready to respond in obedience to God's voice!! Fantastic circle of hope and growth and depth in God!  


“What is more pleasing to the Lord:
      your burnt offerings and sacrifices
      or your obedience to his voice?
   Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice,
      and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.  1Sam 15:22


Have a great rest of your week bloggers!!  

2011…. still sounds kinda space age don't you think?

Hi friends!  I trust you all had a great Christmas holiday!  If you are like most people, the Christmas music is put away, the tree might be down, and you're on your way to figure out what to do for New Year's Eve. In Tauranga the biggest celebration for NYE I'm guessing would have to be at Mount Maunganui.  I've spent a couple NYEs down there, and it really is fun!  They close off the main beach road and have bands set up for concerts all over the beach, a few carnival type rides for the kiddies, food, fun, and then at midnight there are fireworks let off over the ocean.  You can lay on the beach, and feel the thump in your chest when they blow.  It's the BEST!

This year I won't be at the Mount though, but rather hanging out with some great friends where we can sit on their deck and watch the fireworks from all over the city - in the comfort of our lawn chairs.  No crowds, loud crazy people, and plenty of good food and a private bathroom just a few feet away at all times.  AHH!  :)  I'm sure we'll play some games, talk heaps, eat too much and enjoy each other's company as we welcome in 2011 - praying it's a year of new beginnings, renewed hope, and more crazy adventures!!  (That's my personal prayer anyway!)

As I reflect over this last year it's once again a mixed bag of thoughts and emotions.  Some excellent times seeing God at work in ways I would never have imagined, yet some incredibly sad and hard times as well.  But that's life right?  I'm pretty sure you can't live through 12 months without a mixture of both.  And through all of it, the goal is to learn and grow and go deeper in our walk with God - the only one who can honestly make sense of it ALL.  I am thrilled to be able to look back at this year and know that I have gone deeper… the painful times have forced me there, and the great times have allowed me to celebrate there.  In looking at it all with that perspective, I have no regrets…. except for those situations that seem to be unresolvable.  For those I have no other choice than to let go and move on.  Anything other than that is simply unproductive wasted energy.

In looking forward, my hope and expectation is high that it will be a year once again filled with wonder, awe, adventure, discovery, challenge, excitement, and no doubt pain… and in the midst of it all - REST in the center of my soul - choosing to hang out in that place of contentment by the still waters and green pastures every day. Only in Jesus will any of us have the ability to live this new year well.  I am so up for the challenge!!

I hope you will allow yourself time to reflect on this last year.  I am thankful every day for new beginnings… aren't you?  And I'm especially thankful for my God who created that whole concept - knowing we would desperately need them.   ha!  I'm certainly going to be thinking about how to do this year better than the last… more confidently knowing who I am, what I am called to do, and especially knowing the ONE who will accomplish His work in and through me as I do my best to remain faithful and obedient to all He's asking of me.

What's your journey going to be like this next year?  Are you looking forward to it?  Glad for another chance to do things differently and better?  I hope so!  Greater things are yet to come… greater things are still to be done…. Happy New Year!!!