I don't know about you… but there are times in my life (one of which I am IN right now) where you have to take a good long soul-searching look at who you ARE. Not what you do, but who you really are as reflected in the eyes of Jesus. Has what I DO become intertwined in, or defining who I AM? I know it might be easy to say a quick "nope!" to that, because that IS the correct answer - but what do we really think in our minds and hearts? hmm.
Having been in transition for, really, the last 3 years or so, I have to keep reminding myself that GOD is the one running the show - not me. My great ideas usually aren't all that great, and I guess that's good, because then I know that any success I might have is HIS, not mine - no doubt about it. Right now I know I'm in the right place, and I know God is teaching me so much… but wow. It's HARD with a capitol H.A.R.D.
I had a Facebook status the other day that said "Jesus did most of his ministry on His way to somewhere else". How true is that?! If you really think about it, sometimes the destination is an anti-climax when you look at all He accomplished along the way. Crazy! I must admit, it seems that we have been trained and programed WRONG somehow - especially in ministry. We have it in our heads that being "still" means being "lazy", when the two are not even close to being the same thing. And that what we do equals who we are. And that somehow I am completely and totally responsible for my life or ministry being a "success" whatever that means! If it's not happening… I need to MAKE it happen.
It's real funny because in the church, or in overseas missions, there is an expectation that you should constantly be doing SOMETHING productive, something that produces the numbers, because it seems numbers are what we are concerned with and how we gauge success. "How many people have you led to the Lord this year?" "How is your ministry looking on a spread sheet of God things?" "How many miracles have you seen the Lord perform in your ministry?" "SHOW ME SOME TANGIBLE RESULTS!!!" Whether those questions are actually asked out loud or not - that's where people are at. That's what they want to hear. That's what keeps the support coming. But how in the world did we ever get to the point of making the determinations that the STATS are what GOD is interested in??? What does HE say is important… it's things like taking care of the least of these… looking after the poor and needy, widows and orphans. Giving a cold cup of water to someone who's really thirsty. Speaking up on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. Did they get "saved" when you handed them that cup of water? I don't know - maybe, maybe not. But that's not MY job, that's God's job to save them. I am only responsible to be obedient to what He asks me to do - and maybe that was just to give the cup of water and then walk away. But there's so much pressure to "make the sale" that we get all stressed out when it doesn't happen -- in our presence.
So here I am… kinda tired of being still to be honest. I want something I can sink my teeth into… something that people can look at and go - AH HA! Now she's really doing something! And the Lord keeps saying to me… LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. Don't worry about THEM. I am learning I need to quit fighting this place I'm in, and try to enjoy it and learn all I can, because it won't last forever. And I don't want to miss one special thing from the Lord during this time. HE is the one I am doing this for… to see HIS kingdom come to earth. He is the one I ultimately have to answer to, and if He needs some one-on-one time with me right now, then okay! I have to trust Him to take care of all my needs in that process.
Who am I? I'm not what I do. What I DO is merely walking out the Jesus in me. And here's the verse I am clinging to these days:
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36
If you're struggling right now with being still… or confusing your identity in who you are with what you do… be encouraged. You are NOT alone. Someone told me the other day that the longer it takes to build the foundation, the wider, the deeper and the stronger it will be. Do I rush it and force building something that might last, or do I wait and let God build something on His solid foundation that will definitely last? It almost seems like a rhetorical question, because the answer is so painfully obvious. I know that in the middle of all the struggle with waiting… it's probably the only way for me to be still enough, settled enough, quiet enough, to look Him in the eye… and hear Him say "you are mine and that's all that matters". And when I hear that…. I let out a sigh from the depths of my soul and I know everything will be okay.
So Lord… seriously… thank you.
I feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing.... waiting to finish high school and escape the drama, waiting until all the stress of wedding planning is done and I can walk down that aisle, waiting until my husband finishes school so that we can get out of this little town and my life can START. I need to keep reminding myself that these next three semesters should be seen like the part in the Lord of the Rings where they sit around in Rivendell. Except that those Hobbits didn't want to leave, because Hobbits seem to be very good at just enjoying life and wanting nothing more. Maybe we should all be more like Hobbits. ;) I think you have a head start since you live in New Zealand.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder that God cares more about who I am than what I do, and that I can't reverse the two. What I do should come naturally from who I am as evidence of who I am. And for the reminder to enjoy the stillness in this little town.