Okay, so I'm not going to write EVERY DAY, but I thought perhaps it was necessary to at least explain the "sleeping with your brother" ponder I had a while back before too much time elapses from my last post. Hope that is okay. If it isn't okay - well - I'm pretty sure there isn't a gun to your head MAKING you read this. :) For those of you brave enough to continue… here we go! (Don't worry - it's not going to be a long explanation)
So… you know how sometimes you read things in the Bible and then kind of go - wait, what? Well, this wasn't exactly one of THOSE times, but I was thinking about the Bible… Old Testament… and it occurred to me that there had to have been a time where God finally said to everyone - "Okay. I just need you to know that it is now NOT okay to sleep with your brother/sister in order to populate the earth." One day it WAS okay… the next day (whenever that day was) it was NOT. So I was wondering how/when that happened? Was it weird? How can it (one day) not be weird, and then (the next day) be weird? hmm. Did brothers and sisters have to fight hard to not have feelings for each other "like that"? Or did they just decide that one of their cousins was way more attractive? hmm. It's on my list of "things to ask God about when I see him face to face." I know what you're thinking too - "That will SO not be on your mind at that moment!" Oh yeah?? Well, yes. You are probably right. Not in that first moment of being eye to eye with Him. But… I have all eternity and you can bet it WILL come up in conversation at some stage.
Yes. I know. I warned you… this blog is me. Allllll me. The good and bad, deep and shallow. "I am, I said… to no one there..." hahaha! Sorry… random Neil Diamond song just came flying through the grey matter. Hopefully you ARE there and will even choose to come back for more. That would be very cool.
Oh - and would LOVE to hear your thoughts about this particular topic. Have YOU ever thought about it??
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I'm baaaaack!
Hey blog world! So I've made a decision. I am sending monthly newsletters out to those who are interested… mainly covering work stuff and whatever happens to be going on in that arena… but it's not the place where I can just talk about whatever is on my mind. I was thinking about some great blogs that I read often, and thought - yeah! I want to be doing more of that. They are all so real and honest and thought-provoking, and pretty much make my day whenever there's a new post, so thought I'd give it a whirl and see what comes of it.
I'm planning on just shooting from the hip on this one. It might make you uncomfortable - in a good way hopefully - but it's going to be real. There are things that I think we all need to think about… why we do what we do… and sometimes that means asking the hard questions. The ones that you fully would have gotten in trouble for if you dared ask in church or even sometimes at home. So how does that sound? Will you come with me on a little journey of thought-provoking drivel? It won't always be that deep… but it will be things I am pondering I guess, which honestly, are sometimes shallow and stupid. For example, I have spent a bit of time wondering when it became NOT okay to sleep with your brother…?? It WAS okay for a good long while - obviously. Stuff like that. (*example of the shallow, stupid things that wander through my mind unannounced at times.)
Whether or not you come back… I'll be here. :) I'd love to hear from you though - because dialog is way more important than just talking to myself. So if you have something to say - please feel free! The only way your comments will NOT get posted is if you are abusive. No one needs to hear that junk. Other than that though… I'd love to hear what you think!
The thing is… I don't know if you can even comment on here if you don't have a blog yourself - and that's lame. So if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can do this more effectively so more people can jump in on the discussion - let me know, k? Thanks!
OH! I just saw where you can subscribe so you get my updates on here straight to your email - now there's an idea! So give that a whirl if you want. Looking forward to some good processing… and hopefully won't lose any of my ministry supporters along the way! haha
Right now… I need to go do some work. Back atcha lata! Have a great day. x
I'm planning on just shooting from the hip on this one. It might make you uncomfortable - in a good way hopefully - but it's going to be real. There are things that I think we all need to think about… why we do what we do… and sometimes that means asking the hard questions. The ones that you fully would have gotten in trouble for if you dared ask in church or even sometimes at home. So how does that sound? Will you come with me on a little journey of thought-provoking drivel? It won't always be that deep… but it will be things I am pondering I guess, which honestly, are sometimes shallow and stupid. For example, I have spent a bit of time wondering when it became NOT okay to sleep with your brother…?? It WAS okay for a good long while - obviously. Stuff like that. (*example of the shallow, stupid things that wander through my mind unannounced at times.)
Whether or not you come back… I'll be here. :) I'd love to hear from you though - because dialog is way more important than just talking to myself. So if you have something to say - please feel free! The only way your comments will NOT get posted is if you are abusive. No one needs to hear that junk. Other than that though… I'd love to hear what you think!
The thing is… I don't know if you can even comment on here if you don't have a blog yourself - and that's lame. So if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can do this more effectively so more people can jump in on the discussion - let me know, k? Thanks!
OH! I just saw where you can subscribe so you get my updates on here straight to your email - now there's an idea! So give that a whirl if you want. Looking forward to some good processing… and hopefully won't lose any of my ministry supporters along the way! haha
Right now… I need to go do some work. Back atcha lata! Have a great day. x
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Hotties… and SIN
Where I'm from they call hot water bottles "hotties". Knowing that may make you realize I'm not talking about really good looking men. But… hot water bottles… and SIN?? Yeah.
So a few weeks ago I was FREEZING and got my hottie all ready to take to bed with me (sheesh, that just sounds bad!) but couldn't find the cover. Not a problem I thought! I went to sleep hugging that bottle like it was the only thing keeping me alive! haha It was sooooo nice and warm, in fact, so warm that I had to keep changing it up and moving it around cuz it was actually TOO warm. Man it was nice though, and in no time, I was fast asleep.
I got up the next day, went to take a shower and noticed I had blisters on my stomach! Full on, sticking out, burn blisters! "What the?!" was my initial response. And then I remembered… my hottie. Ugh. But I didn't feel it burning me, and it must have been sitting on my skin for a while to give me blisters like that. But honestly - I did not feel a thing all night long! Slept like a baby actually (without all the waking up and screaming for food that is common to babies). I'm pretty sure that's why you're supposed to have a cover for the hottie. Apparently when you're sleeping, the burning happens slowly over a long period of time, and you never know. WEIRD.
I got to thinking about sin, and how sin is like a hottie = All nice and cozy to begin with, feeling like you just can't live without it, comforting… but in the "morning" or whenever the sin is finished, you have full-fledged blisters on your heart and soul. And you didn't even feel them forming. Those blisters, as the ones on my stomach, take time to heal. And depending on the depth of the sin and the depth of the burns… there may be some serious scars left behind. Wow. It's so true!
So remember that the next time the enemy tries to taunt you into doing something you know you shouldn't. Remember the hottie. Remember the scars. And remember that you won't feel the burning until it's too late.
I just noticed this morning, probably about 3 weeks after the hottie incident, that I still have a mark from one of the blisters. Hmmm. Really need to find that cover!!
So a few weeks ago I was FREEZING and got my hottie all ready to take to bed with me (sheesh, that just sounds bad!) but couldn't find the cover. Not a problem I thought! I went to sleep hugging that bottle like it was the only thing keeping me alive! haha It was sooooo nice and warm, in fact, so warm that I had to keep changing it up and moving it around cuz it was actually TOO warm. Man it was nice though, and in no time, I was fast asleep.
I got up the next day, went to take a shower and noticed I had blisters on my stomach! Full on, sticking out, burn blisters! "What the?!" was my initial response. And then I remembered… my hottie. Ugh. But I didn't feel it burning me, and it must have been sitting on my skin for a while to give me blisters like that. But honestly - I did not feel a thing all night long! Slept like a baby actually (without all the waking up and screaming for food that is common to babies). I'm pretty sure that's why you're supposed to have a cover for the hottie. Apparently when you're sleeping, the burning happens slowly over a long period of time, and you never know. WEIRD.
I got to thinking about sin, and how sin is like a hottie = All nice and cozy to begin with, feeling like you just can't live without it, comforting… but in the "morning" or whenever the sin is finished, you have full-fledged blisters on your heart and soul. And you didn't even feel them forming. Those blisters, as the ones on my stomach, take time to heal. And depending on the depth of the sin and the depth of the burns… there may be some serious scars left behind. Wow. It's so true!
So remember that the next time the enemy tries to taunt you into doing something you know you shouldn't. Remember the hottie. Remember the scars. And remember that you won't feel the burning until it's too late.
I just noticed this morning, probably about 3 weeks after the hottie incident, that I still have a mark from one of the blisters. Hmmm. Really need to find that cover!!
Monday, June 6, 2011
It's just one of those… few months!
Life for me the last few months has been a practical application of the word "flexibility". Good thing I have that one firmly tucked under my belt - thanks YWAM - and so it hasn't exactly thrown me… but my neck is a little sore from all the whipping around! Here's an example: I have honestly tried to sit down and write a newsletter about 6 times since my last one - which was like in December or some crazy long time ago. For one reason or another it hasn't gotten written, and about two days after each attempt to write it, pretty much everything I was going to say I was doing fell apart, changed, or for whatever reason became non-existent. WEIRD. So I've been kinda glad I never actually wrote anything, or I would have had to turn around the next week and send a one liner that says, "I'm sorry. Disregard everything in the last newsletter, because it's not happening anymore". hmm. Maybe what I have perceived as a lack of motivation has actually been God's hand intervening, knowing this roller coaster I'm on will be taking some 360's I'm not expecting. I do know that He DOES KNOW, and that's really pretty comforting in the middle of the chaos!
I'm taking a few days to pray through all these changes though, so I can be sure I'm making wise decisions based on the things that have transpired. You know how at times you feel like you are in a car just sort of spinning out of control, and really what you need is a huge magnet that will come down and *SLAM* into the roof just to stop it so you can see straight for a minute? Yup. That would be nice right about now. I've decided to get out of the car all together and take a hike down to where I can sit on the grass by the river's edge completely distancing myself from the sounds of the other cars flying past me. I need some "still water", and some "restoring of my soul".
Hey - side note - I know I have told a few of you about this incredible new piece of history I learned at church a couple of Sundays ago, but let me tell the rest of you cuz it's way cool: Apparently the Jews in Bible times were hugely afraid of the water in a lake because they thought there were demonic forces that lived in the bottom of them. So being fishermen was a huge challenge for them! Think about what the implications of that fact have to do with these two stories: Peter walking on the water, and Psalm 23. What hit me most was the Psalm 23 part.
You know how we grow up believing that the "still waters" of Ps 23 are peaceful and calm? I was raised in a 7th Day Adventist school, and we had these Bible story books where all the pictures were sort of… soft and perfect. I always thought about it like that - Jesus sitting with me beside a beautiful stream with a few awesome trees and lots of green grass where we would lay on our backs and get lost pointing out cloud shapes… all in rather soft pastel colors. Yeah! That was the picture my whole life. Until now.
If the Jewish connotation of "still waters" was where demonic forces lived, then really, God is promising to lead us by our most terrifying fears… but promising also to restore our souls in the process. WOWSER!!! I don't know about you - but that rocked my world. No more laying there whistling through blades of grass without a care in the world! Here's the kicker though - my God has promised to not just walk with me past those terrifying things, but He is LEADING me beside them! All for the purpose of ultimately restoring my soul, healing my wounds, giving me the grace to face my fears, and strength to look my insecurities and anxieties straight in the eye… because restoration can only come once you see what it is that has ripped you off. Okay. So does that rock your world even a little bit?? Am I the only one??
Sorry - long side note. :)
Back to where I started… I don't know how all that is going on around me will resolve, but this I do know: I am NEVER alone. I have the mastermind of the universe giving me wisdom and direction and discernment. So if you have some time and would like to pray with me these next few days - that would be awesome! I am so convinced that I'm on the right path… and I believe that nothing is wasted in God, so I continue to say "bring it!" because all things DO work together for GOOD for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. And that's me. I love God, and I'm called. So yeah. Bring it. :)
And keep your eyes out for that newsletter. I'm pretty sure it's not all that far away.
I'm taking a few days to pray through all these changes though, so I can be sure I'm making wise decisions based on the things that have transpired. You know how at times you feel like you are in a car just sort of spinning out of control, and really what you need is a huge magnet that will come down and *SLAM* into the roof just to stop it so you can see straight for a minute? Yup. That would be nice right about now. I've decided to get out of the car all together and take a hike down to where I can sit on the grass by the river's edge completely distancing myself from the sounds of the other cars flying past me. I need some "still water", and some "restoring of my soul".
Hey - side note - I know I have told a few of you about this incredible new piece of history I learned at church a couple of Sundays ago, but let me tell the rest of you cuz it's way cool: Apparently the Jews in Bible times were hugely afraid of the water in a lake because they thought there were demonic forces that lived in the bottom of them. So being fishermen was a huge challenge for them! Think about what the implications of that fact have to do with these two stories: Peter walking on the water, and Psalm 23. What hit me most was the Psalm 23 part.
 |
| This is an example of a picture from the Bible Story Book |
If the Jewish connotation of "still waters" was where demonic forces lived, then really, God is promising to lead us by our most terrifying fears… but promising also to restore our souls in the process. WOWSER!!! I don't know about you - but that rocked my world. No more laying there whistling through blades of grass without a care in the world! Here's the kicker though - my God has promised to not just walk with me past those terrifying things, but He is LEADING me beside them! All for the purpose of ultimately restoring my soul, healing my wounds, giving me the grace to face my fears, and strength to look my insecurities and anxieties straight in the eye… because restoration can only come once you see what it is that has ripped you off. Okay. So does that rock your world even a little bit?? Am I the only one??
Sorry - long side note. :)
Back to where I started… I don't know how all that is going on around me will resolve, but this I do know: I am NEVER alone. I have the mastermind of the universe giving me wisdom and direction and discernment. So if you have some time and would like to pray with me these next few days - that would be awesome! I am so convinced that I'm on the right path… and I believe that nothing is wasted in God, so I continue to say "bring it!" because all things DO work together for GOOD for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. And that's me. I love God, and I'm called. So yeah. Bring it. :)
And keep your eyes out for that newsletter. I'm pretty sure it's not all that far away.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I've got to write something - N.O.W.
I was sitting here today stressed out because I am SO overdue in writing a newsletter. I've been stressed about that for weeks now. Here's the funny part - I have found that every missionary I know HATES writing newsletters. It's almost like "newsletter" has become a 4-letter word in missionary circles. I can be around other missionaries, and if they have a certain edge to their voice, or seem a bit distracted and grumpy I usually say, "In the middle of your newsletter?" And it's almost always followed by a somewhat exasperated and defeated, "Yes." So why is that?!
There is nothing more exciting to me than what I do in missions. This journey God has called me to is seriously THE BEST gig I have ever had in my life, and yet to have to sit down and creatively write about it is one of the hardest things to do! I love to talk about what God is doing, and how he has been directing my every step for the last 14+ years now. I love to tell people about his faithfulness and how I can't do a day of this without his help and guidance. I love to tell people about how it's hard work, but I wouldn't trade all I have seen, experienced, and the ways I have grown and deepened my walk with God, for anything "normal". I love to get others fired up about the God that I love, and the incredible, hands-down action packed life he's asked me to live - walking with me every step of the way. People have told me over the years how they are just in awe… amazed at how much I have "given up" to be in overseas missions. I always want to laugh at that, because honestly - I keep thinking someone is going to find out one of these days how much fun I have doing what I do, and how much I love it - and tell me I'm doing it wrong. I mean seriously - being a missionary is NOT supposed to be FUN - right?!
I knew once I agreed to be a missionary that one of the things I needed to do was go back to my home church, and hopefully one day others, and show them that giving up everything to follow Jesus is the coolest thing you could ever do! These are not the days of hair in a bun, no makeup, and isolation for years on end in the middle of a people group who would just as soon boil you for dinner, then listen to you try and communicate Jesus' love to them. The crazy thing is - the missionaries from back in that day have the stories that would make anyone want to stay home (unless, like me, you're a little crazy and think it all sounds like an amazing adventure!). It's just that for some weird reason they weren't allowed back then to tell those stories with anything other than a deadpan, expressionless face… minus any passion. It was hard. It was sacrifice. It was lonely. And anything other than that was… wrong. That was my perception growing up anyway, and the reason I felt the blood drain out of my face when all those years ago sitting on my deck in California I realized God wanted me to be in full-time overseas missions. THAT (the old missionary model) was NOT ME. Thankfully, God agreed. :)
Anyway, I thought today I would at least get something new up on my blog. It's been way too long. Even though the need for a newsletter is still stressing me out… I want you to know that God IS up to a whole lot with me here in New Zealand!! I DO have lots to tell you… but at the moment, I'm waiting for my new logo to be finished for the ministry I'm starting. As soon as that's finished, I will reveal what has been consuming my time the last few months. There's been a lot, and I'm hoping it will be worth the wait when you read all about it. Till then… you might have to endure a few more blog entries. They are so much easier in that I can just write honestly… and I'm not having to edit and put in photos and all that stuff. Ugh. Newsletters. A necessary evil I suppose - if I can say that without sounding weird.
Let me ask you something… What do you think about newsletters?? Do you like them? Are they helpful? Do they bore you to tears? Is it really worth the effort? hmm. Those are questions I ask myself regularly. Maybe you can throw in your two cents if you have a minute. Oh - but if you don't have a blog you can't answer here, but you CAN answer on FB when I post this! Or send me a personal message… whatever. It would be GREAT to hear from some of you. It'd be great to hear from ALL of you - but that's just completely unrealistic, so I thought I'd settle with some. Jump in and let me know what you think!
My bed is calling me now… so I'll come back another day and carry on with another slice of this journey. I have blog entries running in my head all the time. Maybe I need to just purpose to say something here more regularly. Whether people read it or not - !! hmm. Will work on that one.
There is nothing more exciting to me than what I do in missions. This journey God has called me to is seriously THE BEST gig I have ever had in my life, and yet to have to sit down and creatively write about it is one of the hardest things to do! I love to talk about what God is doing, and how he has been directing my every step for the last 14+ years now. I love to tell people about his faithfulness and how I can't do a day of this without his help and guidance. I love to tell people about how it's hard work, but I wouldn't trade all I have seen, experienced, and the ways I have grown and deepened my walk with God, for anything "normal". I love to get others fired up about the God that I love, and the incredible, hands-down action packed life he's asked me to live - walking with me every step of the way. People have told me over the years how they are just in awe… amazed at how much I have "given up" to be in overseas missions. I always want to laugh at that, because honestly - I keep thinking someone is going to find out one of these days how much fun I have doing what I do, and how much I love it - and tell me I'm doing it wrong. I mean seriously - being a missionary is NOT supposed to be FUN - right?!
I knew once I agreed to be a missionary that one of the things I needed to do was go back to my home church, and hopefully one day others, and show them that giving up everything to follow Jesus is the coolest thing you could ever do! These are not the days of hair in a bun, no makeup, and isolation for years on end in the middle of a people group who would just as soon boil you for dinner, then listen to you try and communicate Jesus' love to them. The crazy thing is - the missionaries from back in that day have the stories that would make anyone want to stay home (unless, like me, you're a little crazy and think it all sounds like an amazing adventure!). It's just that for some weird reason they weren't allowed back then to tell those stories with anything other than a deadpan, expressionless face… minus any passion. It was hard. It was sacrifice. It was lonely. And anything other than that was… wrong. That was my perception growing up anyway, and the reason I felt the blood drain out of my face when all those years ago sitting on my deck in California I realized God wanted me to be in full-time overseas missions. THAT (the old missionary model) was NOT ME. Thankfully, God agreed. :)
Anyway, I thought today I would at least get something new up on my blog. It's been way too long. Even though the need for a newsletter is still stressing me out… I want you to know that God IS up to a whole lot with me here in New Zealand!! I DO have lots to tell you… but at the moment, I'm waiting for my new logo to be finished for the ministry I'm starting. As soon as that's finished, I will reveal what has been consuming my time the last few months. There's been a lot, and I'm hoping it will be worth the wait when you read all about it. Till then… you might have to endure a few more blog entries. They are so much easier in that I can just write honestly… and I'm not having to edit and put in photos and all that stuff. Ugh. Newsletters. A necessary evil I suppose - if I can say that without sounding weird.
Let me ask you something… What do you think about newsletters?? Do you like them? Are they helpful? Do they bore you to tears? Is it really worth the effort? hmm. Those are questions I ask myself regularly. Maybe you can throw in your two cents if you have a minute. Oh - but if you don't have a blog you can't answer here, but you CAN answer on FB when I post this! Or send me a personal message… whatever. It would be GREAT to hear from some of you. It'd be great to hear from ALL of you - but that's just completely unrealistic, so I thought I'd settle with some. Jump in and let me know what you think!
My bed is calling me now… so I'll come back another day and carry on with another slice of this journey. I have blog entries running in my head all the time. Maybe I need to just purpose to say something here more regularly. Whether people read it or not - !! hmm. Will work on that one.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
But Lord… seriously…
I don't know about you… but there are times in my life (one of which I am IN right now) where you have to take a good long soul-searching look at who you ARE. Not what you do, but who you really are as reflected in the eyes of Jesus. Has what I DO become intertwined in, or defining who I AM? I know it might be easy to say a quick "nope!" to that, because that IS the correct answer - but what do we really think in our minds and hearts? hmm.
Having been in transition for, really, the last 3 years or so, I have to keep reminding myself that GOD is the one running the show - not me. My great ideas usually aren't all that great, and I guess that's good, because then I know that any success I might have is HIS, not mine - no doubt about it. Right now I know I'm in the right place, and I know God is teaching me so much… but wow. It's HARD with a capitol H.A.R.D.
I had a Facebook status the other day that said "Jesus did most of his ministry on His way to somewhere else". How true is that?! If you really think about it, sometimes the destination is an anti-climax when you look at all He accomplished along the way. Crazy! I must admit, it seems that we have been trained and programed WRONG somehow - especially in ministry. We have it in our heads that being "still" means being "lazy", when the two are not even close to being the same thing. And that what we do equals who we are. And that somehow I am completely and totally responsible for my life or ministry being a "success" whatever that means! If it's not happening… I need to MAKE it happen.
It's real funny because in the church, or in overseas missions, there is an expectation that you should constantly be doing SOMETHING productive, something that produces the numbers, because it seems numbers are what we are concerned with and how we gauge success. "How many people have you led to the Lord this year?" "How is your ministry looking on a spread sheet of God things?" "How many miracles have you seen the Lord perform in your ministry?" "SHOW ME SOME TANGIBLE RESULTS!!!" Whether those questions are actually asked out loud or not - that's where people are at. That's what they want to hear. That's what keeps the support coming. But how in the world did we ever get to the point of making the determinations that the STATS are what GOD is interested in??? What does HE say is important… it's things like taking care of the least of these… looking after the poor and needy, widows and orphans. Giving a cold cup of water to someone who's really thirsty. Speaking up on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. Did they get "saved" when you handed them that cup of water? I don't know - maybe, maybe not. But that's not MY job, that's God's job to save them. I am only responsible to be obedient to what He asks me to do - and maybe that was just to give the cup of water and then walk away. But there's so much pressure to "make the sale" that we get all stressed out when it doesn't happen -- in our presence.
So here I am… kinda tired of being still to be honest. I want something I can sink my teeth into… something that people can look at and go - AH HA! Now she's really doing something! And the Lord keeps saying to me… LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. Don't worry about THEM. I am learning I need to quit fighting this place I'm in, and try to enjoy it and learn all I can, because it won't last forever. And I don't want to miss one special thing from the Lord during this time. HE is the one I am doing this for… to see HIS kingdom come to earth. He is the one I ultimately have to answer to, and if He needs some one-on-one time with me right now, then okay! I have to trust Him to take care of all my needs in that process.
Who am I? I'm not what I do. What I DO is merely walking out the Jesus in me. And here's the verse I am clinging to these days:
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36
If you're struggling right now with being still… or confusing your identity in who you are with what you do… be encouraged. You are NOT alone. Someone told me the other day that the longer it takes to build the foundation, the wider, the deeper and the stronger it will be. Do I rush it and force building something that might last, or do I wait and let God build something on His solid foundation that will definitely last? It almost seems like a rhetorical question, because the answer is so painfully obvious. I know that in the middle of all the struggle with waiting… it's probably the only way for me to be still enough, settled enough, quiet enough, to look Him in the eye… and hear Him say "you are mine and that's all that matters". And when I hear that…. I let out a sigh from the depths of my soul and I know everything will be okay.
So Lord… seriously… thank you.
Having been in transition for, really, the last 3 years or so, I have to keep reminding myself that GOD is the one running the show - not me. My great ideas usually aren't all that great, and I guess that's good, because then I know that any success I might have is HIS, not mine - no doubt about it. Right now I know I'm in the right place, and I know God is teaching me so much… but wow. It's HARD with a capitol H.A.R.D.
I had a Facebook status the other day that said "Jesus did most of his ministry on His way to somewhere else". How true is that?! If you really think about it, sometimes the destination is an anti-climax when you look at all He accomplished along the way. Crazy! I must admit, it seems that we have been trained and programed WRONG somehow - especially in ministry. We have it in our heads that being "still" means being "lazy", when the two are not even close to being the same thing. And that what we do equals who we are. And that somehow I am completely and totally responsible for my life or ministry being a "success" whatever that means! If it's not happening… I need to MAKE it happen.
It's real funny because in the church, or in overseas missions, there is an expectation that you should constantly be doing SOMETHING productive, something that produces the numbers, because it seems numbers are what we are concerned with and how we gauge success. "How many people have you led to the Lord this year?" "How is your ministry looking on a spread sheet of God things?" "How many miracles have you seen the Lord perform in your ministry?" "SHOW ME SOME TANGIBLE RESULTS!!!" Whether those questions are actually asked out loud or not - that's where people are at. That's what they want to hear. That's what keeps the support coming. But how in the world did we ever get to the point of making the determinations that the STATS are what GOD is interested in??? What does HE say is important… it's things like taking care of the least of these… looking after the poor and needy, widows and orphans. Giving a cold cup of water to someone who's really thirsty. Speaking up on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. Did they get "saved" when you handed them that cup of water? I don't know - maybe, maybe not. But that's not MY job, that's God's job to save them. I am only responsible to be obedient to what He asks me to do - and maybe that was just to give the cup of water and then walk away. But there's so much pressure to "make the sale" that we get all stressed out when it doesn't happen -- in our presence.
So here I am… kinda tired of being still to be honest. I want something I can sink my teeth into… something that people can look at and go - AH HA! Now she's really doing something! And the Lord keeps saying to me… LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. Don't worry about THEM. I am learning I need to quit fighting this place I'm in, and try to enjoy it and learn all I can, because it won't last forever. And I don't want to miss one special thing from the Lord during this time. HE is the one I am doing this for… to see HIS kingdom come to earth. He is the one I ultimately have to answer to, and if He needs some one-on-one time with me right now, then okay! I have to trust Him to take care of all my needs in that process.
Who am I? I'm not what I do. What I DO is merely walking out the Jesus in me. And here's the verse I am clinging to these days:
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36
If you're struggling right now with being still… or confusing your identity in who you are with what you do… be encouraged. You are NOT alone. Someone told me the other day that the longer it takes to build the foundation, the wider, the deeper and the stronger it will be. Do I rush it and force building something that might last, or do I wait and let God build something on His solid foundation that will definitely last? It almost seems like a rhetorical question, because the answer is so painfully obvious. I know that in the middle of all the struggle with waiting… it's probably the only way for me to be still enough, settled enough, quiet enough, to look Him in the eye… and hear Him say "you are mine and that's all that matters". And when I hear that…. I let out a sigh from the depths of my soul and I know everything will be okay.
So Lord… seriously… thank you.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Hunting and Soaring
You know how I have mentioned the hawk who lives in the valley below my shack? Well, the other day I was watching him flying around again, but this time he wasn't hunting for food. He caught a wind current and was making huge circles up and up and up into the sky. He actually got so high I could hardly see him! I couldn't help but think how much fun he was having! This particular moment was definitely not about hunting. It was about enjoying being able to fly!
Sometimes we feel like we're so caught up in the "hunt" that we forget there's a whole other part to our lives… a part for fun and pleasure… enjoying the fact that we have "wings" and can fly - simply for the joy of flying!
I don't know about you… but today… I'm gonna fly for a while, just because.
Sometimes we feel like we're so caught up in the "hunt" that we forget there's a whole other part to our lives… a part for fun and pleasure… enjoying the fact that we have "wings" and can fly - simply for the joy of flying!
I don't know about you… but today… I'm gonna fly for a while, just because.
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