Keepin It Real - Part 2

Thanks for your comments on here and on FB about the last post.  It's stirred up some discussion which has been great!  If you didn't read my response to one of my friend's comments, let me clarify something -- I DO think it's important to filter what you say.  Believe me, I have to do it all the time.  ha!  But my point was that just because you don't SAY it, doesn't mean you aren't GUILTY of having a bad attitude.

Right!  Moving on…

I've been challenged recently by a comment from Mother Teresa - "Some people are in our lives as a blessing, and others as a lesson".  How true is that?!!  Today I could easily picture both in my mind, the blessings, and the lessons.  The trick is - will I learn the lessons quickly or will have to continue to go round and round that mountain… encountering MANY lessons along the way?  I guess we all need to ask ourselves that question.  And here's something to think about too - You and I are the lessons for someone else!  haha!  That's awesome.  No one gets away with only being on one end of that equation.

But here's what's really been kinda eating at me lately.  There seems to be a trend out there where "edgy" is in.  In (some) Christian circles it's "in".  It's that group of people who want to live in such a way that if you merely observed their lives, you may or may not know they are followers of Jesus.  They drink excessively, they smoke "stuff", they swear, they tell the occasional off-colored joke, and don't have a whole lot of time or good things to say about the "church" in general (the building).  They are "edgy" Christians.  They might say they are "relatable", or "relevant" or "non-judgmental" or "non-legalistic" or something along those lines.  And I get all that… and yet… I kinda go… really?  Is that necessary?  Is it helping to bring the kingdom of God to this earth?  What is it with the "edge" anyway?  Why do so many people want to live as close to it as they can?

Remember the questions from High Schoolers - the whole "How far is too far?" question when it came to messing around with your boyfriend or girlfriend?  Well, now there seems to be that same kind of question… "How far away from holiness and godliness can I get before it's "too far"?"  I think it goes back to motivation.  Why are you even asking the question?

When I was in High School I was a teacher's assistant for one of my English teachers.  Loved that job!  She was incredibly cool.  She was reading a story to the class one day, and I was bored, so decided to play with the stapler.  She was sitting on a chair in the middle front of the classroom.  I was sitting at her desk, off to her left behind her, but very much in front of the classroom where everyone could see me.  They weren't paying attention to me though, as they were fully engaging in the story that was being read to them.  I picked up the stapler, and opened it flat, so I could have the part where the staple comes out flat on my finger.  I don't know if you realize this, but when you staple something, there is a pressure point that when you push on it, nothing happens for a little bit… and then Chi-cah!!  The staple is stapled in the paper - or whatever.  I decided I would very quietly try and see how far I could push it before the staple engaged into my finger.  I very calmly placed the stapler over the top section of my middle finger… and sloooooooooowly pushed down… and then CHI-CAH!!!  The staple fully went straight into my finger so it was flat on my flesh!!!  Oh man, it hurt soooo bad!!

Not wanting to make a scene… I had to think fast.  All I knew was that I needed that staple out NOW, so I grabbed it with my other fingers, and pulled hard.  It came out… and then started bleeding profusely!  OH NO!!  No tissues anywhere in sight, and by now my face was beat red, partly because it hurt, partly because I was sure I was somehow disrupting the class, and partly because I was convinced I was going to die from staple poisoning!  So, I did the only thing I possibly could given my circumstances… I quickly rubbed my bloody finger all under the desk… all over the wood, until my finger stopped bleeding.

Yeah.  That was me in High School.  Just one of many pretty ridiculous stories.  haha

Sometimes we all act like that though… seeing how far we can push something before we get hurt… or get in trouble, or get fired, or get caught, or get pregnant, or somehow disappoint God, or flat out sin.  And sometimes, that spring loaded action snaps and we are in that place of "uh oh" before we can even anticipate the consequences.  We are honestly such silly people.  Pretty much like I was in High School.

So is it cool to be a Christian and have a foul mouth, or drink too much, or flip someone off, or drop the f-bomb when you're preaching, or smoke "whatever herbal junk" that's not pot or tobacco (or IS pot or tobacco?)  And is it okay to be anti-church establishment to the point of hurting the heart of God who asked us to meet together with other Believers and to live side by side with people we don't like very much sometimes?

Do you think God is okay with "edgy"?  Do you think he slipped in the odd dirty joke with the disciples, or threw in an f-bomb during the Beatitudes?  Do you think people knew he was different when he was in a crowd, or did He try and fit in however that may have looked back in his day?

Holiness.  Do we even get what that word means?  I don't.  Not really.  Except that it's probably a million miles from where I am right this minute.  And thanks to the amazing grace of Jesus, when God looks at me - that IS what he sees… but it is a journey for me to walk out here on this earth.  I guess another question is -  can we really draw attention to Jesus without at least that pursuit?

It was for freedom that Christ set us free.  Yup.  I get that.  So then why are we still enslaved to the old lusts and habits that had a hold of us before Christ cut us loose?  Why haven't our mouths been redeemed with the rest of our soul?  Maybe it's just all part of the journey.  But it makes me nervous when I see leaders who don't seem to have any desire whatsoever to go forward in that particular journey.  Seems to me like they are happy there.  Happy being "edgy".  But if "edgy" isn't "godly"… then is it really worth it?

Keepin It Real

Whoa!  I haven't been here since July!  There are lots of reasons why… but mainly the reason is that I haven't had the headspace to actually put my thoughts together well enough to feel it was blog-worthy.  Now, in all fairness, this may not be either, but I thought it was due time to get back on the blog saddle, and at least get some of these cobwebs in my head cleared out.  My mind has been reeling lately with stuff.  Good stuff, hard stuff, confusing stuff, and downright challenging stuff.  So I thought it was time to include you in that "space".  Enter at your own risk.  :)  

Oh.  Here's the other thing.  So my blog was going to be ministry updates, but I decided to NOT do that here anymore.  I started this blog a long time ago because I'm an external processor and I wanted a place to process - especially a place where people could actually talk back to me if they wanted to.  So far there hasn't been a lot of talk back… but that's okay.  The benefit of an external processor is that we really don't NEED anyone to talk back… we just like to talk.  That's the truth.  EPs - correct me if I'm wrong.  So I'm going back to what I intended this for - processing.  And I would REALLY love for you to join me.  I've readjusted all the settings so you should be able to comment right here.  If you can't I guess you can comment on FB, because I'll be posting these rambles there as well.  But please know that you have an open invitation to come along for the ride, and let me know what you think if you want.

Okay!  Having said that… let's get to what I have been thinking about recently.  I posted something the other day on FB saying I needed more love in my life because my frail and shallow love doesn't always cover a "multitude of sins" as God has said it should.  Especially when people are idiots.  A comment was made to me later that day about how I say things that people only WANT to say but don't.  We had a good laugh about that, because I guess it's true… but then I thought deeper about it and wondered why that is?  Are we all too PC or cool, or considerate to not really say the things we are thinking sometimes?  Or… are we hiding behind false masks that make us look like we have it all together and are the most lovely people around, when in reality, if someone recorded our thoughts and played them on the nightly news we would be mortified at how much of that was anything BUT godly love?  hmm.  Now, don't get me wrong - having gotten in trouble most of my life for saying things I shouldn't… I completely understand the need for "filters".  Absolutely!  It's been a life-long journey for me to keep my mouth SHUT at times when I have a whole lot I'd like to say.  So yeah - I know that is necessary.  But I'm not talking about being considerate and wise… I'm talking about faking it because we want to seem loving.  Is anybody with me on this one?

One of my friend's husbands is an internal processor.   He has said many times over the years that I would have to say "I'm sorry" a whole lot less if I just thought before I spoke.  And he is absolutely right!  (I'm working on that.)  But I noticed there was an air of superiority in what was said that really rubbed me the wrong way.  And again - correct me if I'm wrong here - but I would say MOST if not all internal processors feel like they are somehow superior to externals for that very reason.  But here are two things I have found very interesting over the years in dealing with IPs.  Not only does it seem that they feel there is some sort of superiority because they "think before they talk" it also seems that it is incredibly hard for them to actually apologize when they do something hurtful or wrong.  And here's the truth of this whole deal… the bible says that if you think it - you've done it.  You can be as internal as you want, but if you are holding bitterness and anger and resentment in your heart  - it doesn't matter if it comes out of your mouth or not.  You are guilty of those sins.  Same as someone who might verbally express that anger or frustration.  We ALL have sinned… and fallen short of God's glory - right?  Well, that's what my bible says anyway.  

I'm certainly not saying we should all start blurting out every negative thought or feeling we have in our hearts.  Please don't.  I'm not sure I can take all that would be thrown at me if that happened.  haha!  But… can we at least agree to be REAL about where we're at?  Can we stop thinking that if we just think it, it's not as bad as it is if we say it?  Both things, said or thought, in anger or frustration breaks God's heart the same way.  Deal with your stuff.  Be real.  You think you're the only one who wants to flip off the person who cuts you off when you're driving?  Come on… you know you're not!  So admit it -- and then -- work on doing what Jesus asked us to do, and respond in love.  Now that's a tall order, especially in the context of driving.  I am sitting here feeling convicted as I type.  ;)  

The point is, and the desire of God's heart is that we would all be "… filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith." I Tim 1:5

I've got a lot to work on.  How about you? 

Touchdown!

I just got back from Cambodia on a Mission Adventure's trip.  MA is an amazing organization within the YWAM family who put together missions trips for church youth groups to give them a taste of what it would be like to be an over-seas missionary.  It also allows them to have some exposure to other cultures and people who they wouldn't normally cross paths with, in order to expand their world view, and to allow them an opportunity to help others who are in real need.  I was asked to co-lead this team with a good friend of mine.  I wasn't quite sure how it was going to go, but it was fabulous!!  I really love the MA program, and would gladly join them again!

This is the old house we tore down

One of the main things our team was involved in was building a house for a sweet older lady who had lost her husband during the genocide.  She was living in slum a thatched shack, looking after her two grandchildren.  She told the story about how hard it was living there, and how she'd have to constantly be checking the children's beds to make sure there weren't snakes in them - which happened quite often.  Through tears she thanked us for the opportunity to have a new house that was safe.

Painting the sideboards

Sawing our 45 degree angle - apparently
there is a need for geometry in real life! ha!

We started the project working along-side some of the local Cambodians - even our tuk tuk driver jumped in to help!  There was another team there as well from Wellington, NZ, so there were many hands to do the job - sometimes too many.  haha!  It was great though, and as we mixed concrete, hammered things, sawed things, and painted things… all was beginning to take shape rather quickly!  Every day the lady would stand by and watch us with a look of awe and thankfulness in her eyes.  And every day she would cry, as each day brought the reality of a house closer to her.  It was really touching.

On the last day we had a dedication ceremony and gave her the keys.  The verse Jeremiah 29:11 was shared with her - that the Lord really does have a good plan for her life - one of hope!!  We prayed for her, and knew she was excited to move in and make this house her home.  LOVE THAT!!

It's not perfect, and in this photo
not totally finished, but you can see
 how much was accomplished in 4 days!

The happy new home owner!

I'm back in NZ today… and leave again in two days for the USA!  I am looking forward to seeing friends in California, and having some rest along the way as well!  It's been an insane couple of months - but so very good at the same time.  I love to be a part of what God is doing around the world.  To be his hands and feet and mouth to those who are searching for more to life is something I will never ever take for granted.  It is a huge honor and privilege to meet those I have met along the way.  People like this lady in Cambodia… whose face is etched on my heart.

One of the things I took away from this house build was that the house was not built perfectly - not by a long shot - but yet it was built sturdy and it will last her a long time.  And more importantly, it was built with love by the hands of a bunch of teenagers (and some of us older ones!) who will not forget the gift they have given someone who has so little.  It was actually pretty humbling.  And pretty inspiring.  And pretty wonderful.

Guns, Drug Traffickers, and Ping Pong

You know those days when you wake up and think… was that a gunshot or a firecracker?  No?  Yeah, me neither - except for this last week when we were staying in a Brazilian Favela (slum community).  There are over 1000 Favelas in the whole of Rio de Janeiro, and we had the amazing opportunity of staying for a week in one of them.  Have you seen the movie City of God?  I have, and so I was a little apprehensive about going into a place like this… but we knew God had asked us to go.  We prayed a lot, took deep breaths, and in we went.

YWAM has had a ministry house in the center of one of these slums for the last 10 years or so.  About 5 years ago they had to shut the house down, as the person leading the ministry needed to leave.  The ministry has started up again with new leadership and our DTS outreach team was the first team to be in the community since the house re-opened a few months ago.  It seriously reminded me of a movie set in some respects… had a very surreal feel to it.

We met a guy the first day who had a crazy story of drugs, near death experiences from being involved in the trafficking aspect of things, and was miraculously spared from a lifetime in prison for being caught with 30 kilos of cocaine!  He had a scar on his hand… and we heard the story of how he was working with another guy and a drug trafficker found out his phone had been stolen.  He approached these two guys and confronted them about stealing the phone.  *Stealing is NOT allowed in the Favela, and people have literally lost their hands for stealing.  Both guys said they didn't take the phone, so the trafficker grabbed a random guy off the street, put him in the middle of the street, put a tire around him, poured gasoline on him and threw in a lit match.  The guy burned to death in the middle of the street in front of everyone.  And he was an innocent bi-stander!  The drug lord went back to these two guys and asked again if they had taken the phone.  Both men were adamantly saying they didn't know what happened to the phone, when the trafficker grabbed the man we met, threatening to kill him.  He was pleading for his life, and then the trafficker said, "Okay.  I won't kill you.  Let me see your hand…" He took the man's hand and shot it - hence the scar - as a lesson to not mess with him.  CRAZY. (*This guy as since then become a Christian and loves Jesus now!  He works very closely with the YWAM team at the house.)

Our role in this community for the week was to play with the kids who would come to the house in the afternoons… kids ranging in ages from 6 or 7 to late teens, early 20's.  We put up a broken down ping pong table out in the middle of the street (basically only wide enough to drive one car through at a time) and the kids flocked to it!  I'm pretty sure I haven't played that much ping pong since I played with my Aunt Helen back in Junior High!  It was so much fun though - and they were GOOD!!  I'm now committed to getting a ping pong table for our training center in NZ!!  We did other things as well with the kids, other games, coloring, putting puzzles together, things you just do as normal kids.  And for a few hours in the afternoons… these children who are surrounded by violence, guns, drugs, and abuse can relax and have some fun.  I loved it!!  I couldn't speak the language, but discovered once again that love is universal… and so is ping pong!  :)

We had a couple of opportunities to do dramas, worship and testimonies in two of the churches within the Favela, as well as doing programs in a local school, and playing soccer with the kids.  What I loved about this part of our outreach was that we were coming along-side the YWAM ministry and opened doors for future teams to come. The leader kept telling us that it didn't even matter if we ever opened our mouths… our presence in the community was making a huge difference.  I liked that.

Mid-week we were asked to come and do something at a creche at the YWAM house.  The children couldn't come in the morning because there was an incident and the level of danger was up in the community to the point where all the schools were shut and the children sent home.  But things lightened up in the afternoon, so here they came… walking down the street single-file with their teacher at the front of the line guiding them to the door.  They were only probably 3-5 years old, and the cutest things you have ever seen!  We found out later that these were the kids of the drug traffickers!  Seriously?!!  I thought that was the greatest thing ever!!  Two of the fathers came and picked up their kids at one point, and the whole thing just made me smile!  The opportunities in having influence in the lives of these precious little ones was so great!!  God is amazing!!!  At first the kids were so quiet and looked so sad… but as we sang songs and started to play with them, they began to smile and laugh a little… and life came back into their eyes.  I couldn't help but think what they must live through in their homes every day.

One of the ways the traffickers communicate with each other is through firecrackers.  For us, the problem was that they sounded a whole lot like gun shots and especially early on, it was very hard to distinguish between the two.  Many went off in the middle of the night, waking us out of a sound sleep.   We had no idea what was going on outside… but as the week progressed, so did the tension.

It was not uncommon to see men walking around with hand guns, M16 assault rifles, and machine guns.  I almost got used to it.  Almost.  :)  The night before we left the police shot and killed one of the main traffickers in the community, and we found out the next day a guy we had met on the street the day before had been beaten up and almost killed because he had decided he didn't want to be a part of all that.  He swears that because of being with our team that day, his life was saved.  Knowing what we know now, I'm sure the Lord not only saved his life, but ours as well.

I'm not gonna lie… I was glad that we were heading out that day.  With tensions growing, I was definitely ready to go.  We got back to the base we were staying at outside the city and the following day was Mother's Day.  We woke up once again to gun shots, explosions, firecrackers, and yelling.  I couldn't believe it!  This place is usually a sleepy little town… and it felt like we were in Bosnia!  What in the world?!  I wondered if this was how they celebrated their mothers here?!  Found out later… there was a soccer game on, and it's how the Brazilians role when it comes to soccer.  HA!  Good grief!!

I believe God used our team that week in so many ways… ways we will probably never know about till Heaven.  I know we were a huge blessing and encouragement to the YWAM base there, and I believe we made some significant connections with people in the community.  I also believe that God used that place to speak to each of us on our team… and I can honestly say we came away from that place realizing how much we were changed by our experiences there.  I personally learned a lot, and thank God for such an amazing opportunity.

Hippies, Protests, and Prostitutes

As I sit here I am sad to think this is our last day in Belo.  Man time flies when you're having fun!  We will be having a big Brazilian BBQ tonight with our fabulous staff here in the Rescue House.  I knew coming here that we would be involved in some great ministry opportunities, but was pleasantly surprised that we also were incredibly blessed to get to know the staff of this house to the point where we are all pretty gutted to have to leave.  

But!  There's lots to tell you before we leave!! (*please keep in mind I am sick as I am writing this, so it's not near as creatively written as I would like.)

Yesterday was our last day of ministry, and we spent it downtown participating in a protest put on by a local church to bring awareness to the area of sexual abuse to children.  We had large (and I do mean large!) banners we walked around with, and handed out pamphlets to anyone who would take them.  Funny thing was - they took them!!  I was shocked at how easily people grabbed one as I offered them to flood of individuals whipping past us in rush hour traffic.  THAT would never happen at home!  But then again - very little, if any, of what we have done here would happen at home.  hmm.  What's so different about this place…?

Bringing awareness to the issue of child sexual abuse

Along with passing out stuff, we had to wear medical masks (like a doctor wears sort of) to indicate we are silently protesting this horrible tragedy.  We had black balloons, and of course, the silent part was pretty easy for us, since we don't speak the language anyway!  ha.  When they blew their whistles we had to all freeze - for like 5 minutes!  Have you ever tried to freeze for 5 minutes?  Yeah.  Not the easiest task, but we denied the odds, and did not break our pose until the whistle blew once again!  Success.  Now we have to hope and pray that all those who took the brochures actually read them!

Before the protest started we walked up and down the little courtyard looking at all the wares people were selling.  It was like a gypsy explosion happened right there on that street.  How I wish I could have actually talked to them!!!  That would have been awesome!!  They were selling jewelry mostly, but also offered henna tattoos - tempting - and dream catchers, and all kinds of stuff along those lines.  One guy had a very cool looking… pipe??  Not sure what it was exactly, but I am pretty sure it was for smoking something illegal.

When we finished with the protest, we headed out to the red light district once again for our final time.  I was sad, because this was probably one of my favorite parts of our outreach so far.  I loved that we were able to actually go into the brothels and share the love of Jesus to the women right in the middle "the house of Satan" as it is referred to by one of the prostitutes working there. 

The YWAM ministry who has worked in that area for 10 years had baked a couple of cakes for two of the girls who were having birthdays that month.  Another DTS outreach team from Los Angeles was also there that night, and we each took a cake and went with our respective leaders back into the brothels to sing happy birthday to the girls and pray for them.  I had no idea where our team would go - there are 22 brothels on that street, so it could have been any one of them.  When we entered though, it looked very familiar, and when we got to the top of the stairs, I was so excited to see that it was the same one we had been in before!!  I looked around for Andrea, the girl I had talked to on our previous visit - and there she was!  She saw me, and came over and gave me a big hug!  I had wanted to meet up with her again, because the Lord had really put her on my heart.  

We sang to the birthday girl and prayed for her… and she cried. No one had ever acknowledged her birthday, and certainly no one before had ever made the effort to bake her a cake and sing to her!  It was a special moment for us all I think.  We sang worship songs in that hallway… hoping that the truth of the words we were singing would pierce through the darkness in that place.  The oppression and heaviness we felt in there that night was almost tangible.  

One of the girls asked if we could go upstairs and pray for her mother who was sick.  When we entered the upper level we found out this is where a lot of the prostitutes live when they aren't working.  At the far end of the hallway two men were spread eagle up against the wall and the police were frisking them.  More police entered the level as we were there to deal with these two guys. We began to sing worship songs and as I looked around… seeing the prostitutes there with us, eyes closed, and hands raised… singing songs they obviously knew in their language… it struck me that this whole situation is, as I mentioned before, messy to say the least.  

After praying for this woman who was sick with high blood pressure… the leader of the ministry began talking to her, and then they prayed again, and she gave her heart to Jesus!!  We prayed for a few more of the women before we left.  Outside, the ministry leader was so excited!  She told us that God had done some huge miracles that night -- after 10 years of ministering in that area, they had never had break-through like that!  They had never been allowed to go upstairs, the girls had never been so receptive to talking and asking for prayer!!  She said what happened that night was just as significant as the woman accepting Jesus!  She was soooo excited, as were we that God would use us to be a part of that kind of breakthrough in such a dark and needy place.  The enemy definitely lost some significant ground there that night.  

Next stop for us:  Rio de Janeiro!!  

The Beauty of a Moment...

We are half-way through our second week in Belo.  It's been awesome here so far, as I alluded to in my last post.  We have LOVED every day so far, and I've been super impressed with the team as most have gone for days without having a "low moment" to talk about when we debrief at the end of our day.  That's pretty impressive!  I'm so proud of them too, as they have all taken it on, some jumping completely out of their comfort zones into an unknown abyss that is over-seas missions.

Not speaking the language is always a real downer though, and we ALL struggle with that every day.  Sadly, there are never enough translators to go around.  But never underestimate the power of a smile!  The other night we were out on the streets ministering to the street kids, (one of my personal favorite things to do!) and I sat and listened to a 12 year old girl "playing" my guitar and singing.  She had an amazing and powerful voice, and a strum on the guitar that you just have in you - nothing like that can be taught - but she knew no chords, so simply moved one finger up and down the neck of the guitar as though she was creating the most beautiful sound there could ever be.  And you know what - it was!  I listened to 5 or 6 songs played exactly the same, yet watched as she was lost in what I have to assume were compelling lyrics… all in Portuguese, so a mystery to me, but I immediately followed her when she randomly broke into singing "Agnus Dei"first in Portuguese and then in English.

I had tears in my eyes wrapped up in the moment… and the ironic fullness of that moment.  I looked at her tattered clothes and filthy face, hands, legs and feet… imagining what life on the streets for her must be like.  I wanted to take her home… let her take a nice long shower, or soak in the bathtub, create one of my meals that people say they love so much, and then jump up on my couch together where I could teach her some chords so she will come even more alive while she plays and sings.  But I can't.  I can't even talk to her, let alone take care of her.  But I said to her through the translator… "You are beautiful, and so were those songs you just played for me."  We aren't supposed to give them things… but without thinking, as she handed me back my pick, I put it right back in her hand and said - "No, you keep this." She very gently put it in her shirt pocket and smiled at me.  She said, "I will keep it as a remembrance." I don't know if she will remember that moment or not - but I pray she does.  Not because of our interaction, but because God loves her so much… and that night He asked me to sit and listen to a 12 year old girl living on the street play my guitar… sing the songs she knows and loves… and affirm her worth and her God-given talent.  It was a priceless moment.

Brazil!!

You know how someone says to you, "Hey!  Let's go to… *fill in with random place you have NEVER considered going to," and the first thing you think is, "Um… nope.  Don't think so."?  Yeah.  That was Brazil for me.  The DTS Training Director said to me, "Hey!  I think we should send a team to Brazil for outreach…" to which I responded, "Um… nope.  Don't think so."  But in all fairness, this same person also thought I would go on outreach this school, and again - NOPE - was the first word that came to mind.  And here I sit, co-leading an outreach team to Brazil.  Might be a great idea to just say yes next time and save myself some hassle.

We began our journey in a town called Santa Cruz located within Rio De Janeiro.  We were there for a couple of days and then hopped on another jet plane up to a place called Belo Horizonte.  It was a nice surprise to end up here, where the weather for me is absolutely perfect!  It's cool enough at night to have on sweat pants, yet warm enough during the day for shorts and flip flops.  Yup… perfect!  We will be here in Belo for 3 weeks and then go back to Rio where we will be joining a Brazilian DTS outreach team working in local slums to finish out our time here.

So far, Belo has been amazing!!  Not just the weather, although I do have to keep mentioning that because it's so perfect, but the YWAM team here have such a smooth running machine, and it's been a pleasure joining in with them.  They are obviously used to teams, and in true YWAM form welcomed us so well and have been great at making us feel like we've come home.  One of my favorite parts about YWAM is that no matter where you go - when you connect with YWAM, you connect with an extended part of your family you just haven't met yet.  LOVE THAT.  So we have been enjoying getting to know the cuzzies in Brazil.  :)  Looking forward to all that God has for us during these next three weeks!

Adoption… New Decades… And Other Ponderings...

So.  I turned 50 on the 22nd of Feb.  50.  F.I.F.T.Y.  Five-O.  One-half century.  50 years of age… and since I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 8, that means I've been a Christian for 42 years. FORTY-TWO YEARS.  That's just a little crazy to me.  And that means I have been attached to Paradise Alliance Church in Paradise, California for 40 years, since I started going there initially when I was 10.  And that also means I have been out of High School for 34 years, and I graduated from university 29 years ago!  It is completely and totally feasible that my oldest child (if I had one) would be 31 years old - if I gave birth at 19 like my mom did.  I could EASILY be a grandmother.  I could have been married for 32 years had I gotten married at 18, like my mom.  OH. MY. WORD.  I have to say folks… when I go through that list - it absolutely and completely sounds like someone else's life - not mine!!!  But it does get me thinking about what I have accomplished in all these years… Maybe it's a good year to do some reflecting.  I'll tell you what -- it will definitely be a good year to do some CELEBRATING!!! 


I started to make a list, and got overwhelmed, realizing there was no way I could actually write down all the things I have done in my life - the amazing opportunities I had growing up in Hawaii… being able to go to university and get a degree in something I love… working at jobs that, for the most part, I really enjoyed - especially my 10 years at the Veterinary hospital… ultimately getting into full-time missions… depending on God fully for every cent I have now… traveling the world… living in a nation that won my heart years ago… having had the incredible privilege to walk along-side, learn from and hopefully inspire 500+ young adults through the DTS program… and now walking out God's call for the rest of my life to see the eradication of modern-day slavery… equipping individuals to empower the oppressed… setting the captives free… WOW!!  It's been a full life so far - that's for sure.  And the good news is - It aint over yet by a long shot!!  In some ways I feel like I'm just beginning the good part.  ha!  


One of the running themes throughout my life where I think I've seen God's hand most tangibly is through friendships.  I have had the honor of knowing, loving and being loved by some fabulous people!!  If you look at friendships in a monetary sense… I am a bazillionaire!!  And it doesn't stop!  I continue to cross paths with incredible people who make my life so much richer by just being in it.  I am truly blessed.  


God is blowing my mind too with new insights and revelations of his love… Just yesterday I was pretty overwhelmed looking out at my view and felt this huge sense of love and acceptance from God my father… wow!  After 42 years of knowing him… I still am getting deeper understanding and continued confirmations of how much he loves me.  Incredible!!  He's shown me in a fresh new way how he not only loves me as his adopted daughter… which I have fully understood my whole life because I am adopted in my family… but He also loves me as His own flesh and blood.  Wow.  Completely different concept and significance.  


Okay… enough sappy stuff.  I have to say that I'm really looking forward to this year because it IS a year of jubilee!!  Not sure what that will mean exactly… but it has a nice ring to it, and I'm excited to see what God has up his sleeve for me!  I know this - I am gonna grab this year by the throat and not let go till I get every single bit of life out of it.  hahaha  Okay… that sounded really… angry.  haha!  I think you get what I mean.  I'm not sliding through this year - I'm living it to the full!!   That is a worthy quest. 


One other thing I have decided to do in honor of my 50th year of life is to learn how to play the cello!!  Yeup.  I have been looking at them online to buy… and then realized I can rent one for 6 months!!  So that sounds like a better idea till I know what I want to buy.  I could be totally wrong - but I think I will pick it up pretty quickly.  I guess I'll find out!  I'm pretty excited about that though!!  Music has always been such a huge part of my life, so it'll be so cool learning a new instrument!!  


So here's to a great year of jubilee and celebration for ALL that I have to be thankful for.  I am humbled by the length of my list.  

To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate the "US" of Christmas…?

I just saw that I've had 1,131 views of my blog!  Seriously??  haha!  Well, that's good.  I was thinking maybe there had been 20, 18 of which are me coming to see if there are any comments.  I know - I don't need to do that because I also get an email when someone comments, but you know… just checking.  The truth is though, I'm not so concerned with whether people actually read this or not.  It's just kinda therapeutic to write sometimes, because I'm a verbal processor - ha!!  I'm sure other bloggers will agree.  So, if you're one of the 1,131 views on here, thanks!  I had no idea you were out there.  :)


It's Christmas time, and as you saw by the last blog entry I posted, my shared blog post from Jamie TVWM, you'll know that I too have had a hard time getting myself into the Christmas spirit this year.  I shouldn't be having SO much trouble, since it's been so rainy and cold-ish here lately.  Summer is definitely NOT here - YET.  I believe with all the faith in me that it's coming though!  And then, as normal, after about a month of awesome weather I'll be begging for some rain and cold again. Such is life.  My tree looks great though, and smells GREAT every day, so that helps.  That - and the few little things I have put out that I have traveled with now for years.  You can't haul around much when you've been as transient as I have been the last 14 years… but there are a couple of significant things that make their way to wherever I am at Christmas.  That - and the entire month of December nothing else gets played in my car but Christmas music.  It's a rule.


As I sat last night with just the Christmas tree lights on thinking about things… I couldn't seem to get away from the fact that I have so much when others have so little.  I am truly incredibly blessed to live where I live, do what I do, and to have the ability to fight for those who are trapped in modern-day slavery.  I still REALLY struggle with Christmas and our ridiculous obsession with STUFF.  Last year I opted out, and encouraged all my friends to do the same.  I asked them to buy something for a needy child instead of for me… and we all did just that instead of giving to each other, who already have MORE than we could possibly ever NEED.  It was fun!  So this year… I was kind of waiting to see if they wanted to do that again - but no one mentioned it.  I had to wonder whether it really made an impact on them at all…?  I want to believe it did, even though it seems everyone is "back to normal" this year.  I'm not "back to normal" though… doubt I ever will be again.  You just can't go back after having seen what I've seen around the world… and working in the area of human trafficking… it's impossible to ever be "normal" again.  And I'm really good with that!  I honestly wouldn't go back for anything.  


But I do have a dilema… what to do with Christmas.  I guess I'm still struggling with buying presents for my friends and family who really don't NEED anything.  It's not that I don't love them and want to express that… but is that what Christmas should be about??  US???  I don't think so… yet it's hard, because talk about being saturated, brainwashed, trained, conditioned, whatever you want to call it -- that we HAVE to get each other presents for Christmas.  UGH.  I did buy some stuff this year… but not much.  I just couldn't.  And it's not about love… it's not even about money so much… it's about that niggling part of my heart that just simply won't let me go there.  Is that okay??  I don't know.  All I know is I can't get away from it.  


What do you think about Christmas?  DO you think about Christmas??  What do you think Jesus thinks about Christmas…??  I wonder if he's sad at how we've twisted it into being about us.  Yeah, we might read the Christmas story, or have a nativity set up somewhere… but if we're honest… I'm pretty sure most of us spend more time worrying we won't get all our shopping done on time - rather than worrying we won't spend enough time honoring Jesus on his birthday.  I spent a LOT of years guilty as charged on that one.  


I want to continue to be ruined for the "normal" stuff of life… the "normal" way we celebrate Christmas.  I want it to be different.  I want it to be about people who don't have a clue what the love of God looks like.  My friends and family KNOW I love them.  If they doubt that because they don't get enough Christmas presents from me… then there's a lot more wrong with our relationship than a lack of presents.  The great part is - they're not like that, so it's not a worry for me… but for some it is!  How can we show people this Christmas how much God loves them… that he sent his son to be born in a manger… to live a sinless life so he could give his life for us and pay for the sins of mankind once and for all… that the gift of LIFE is what he offers… life after this one is over… when REAL life begins??!! 


Next Christmas I will once again be blowing my "don't spend money on me" horn, and encouraging my people to do the same.  When I think about doing that… I breathe a sigh of relief.  It's right.  It's good.  And I'm pretty sure it's what Jesus would be doing if he were here in the flesh on his birthday.  Anybody wanna join that party??  :)  

Re-Posting from "Jamie The Very Worst Missionary"

One of the blogs I follow is "Jamie The Very Worst Missionary".  She and her family live in Costa Rica.  She continually cracks me up, speaks the truth most of us don't dare say out loud (sometimes with colorful expletives, but always REAL) and this one in particular I thought was great!  I can so relate to struggling with Christmas in a HOT climate, having grown up in Hawaii and now living in NZ where Christmas happens in the summer and the only sleigh bells I hear are in the Christmas music that is continually pumping in my car from Dec 1st to the 26th.  It's the ONLY thing that makes me feel at all "Christmasy" around here.  Even the decorations in town and in the shops look… weird.  Anyway, enough from me!  Enjoy Jamie!!  :)

Mele Kalikimaka and all that crap.

As I write this, at 8 am, the sun is slipping across my desk through the slats in my bamboo shades. Barefoot and barely dressed, I'm sipping lukewarm coffee and wishing for a breeze to come and stir the air a bit. It's muggy.

My kids are off at noon every day this week, anxiously counting down until Friday, when summervacation begins. Of course, the end of this count-down signals the beginning of the next; “How many days 'til Christmas, Mom?” And I have to remind myself that, Oh yeah, it's Christmastime – which explains the six foot juniper, all bedazzled in the living room.

I don't wanna sound like a total b...erm, I mean...a total grinch, but I'm having a tough time getting in the mood for Holiday festivities. Christmas in the tropics is just too weird. The other day it was super sunny and windy, and I ran into a Costa Rican friend, who said, with a grin, “Doesn't it feel just like Christmas?!”

Squinting into the hot sun, I bitterly quipped, “Oh, yeah, just like Christmas. Mele Kalikimaka and all that crap.”

It's just that, until we moved to Costa Rica, I spent my whole life welcoming December with the cold, crisp air of Northern California filling my lungs, and with morning fog, and steaming breath, and a frozen, maraschino cherry of a nose. Where picking out a Christmas tree meant driving up to the snowy foothills and tromping through the forrest with pine needles stuck in your hair. It meant finding the perfect blue spruce and cutting it down with a hacksaw and coming home with your hands all sticky from sap. – Not pulling up to a dirt lot behind an old abandoned banana factory and sweating through your bra while a kid with a shovel digs up a juniper bush trimmed in the familiar cone shape of a Christmas tree.

Of course, I'm trying to remain impartial. 

I'm trying to remember that there are a gajillion different ways to enjoy the holidays. And I'm trying to remember that experiencing the traditions of another culture is a gift, a rich blessing – one that shouldn't be blown off with a flippant (and, oh-so-North-American), “That's not how we do it.” But this morning one of the sparkly baubles adorning our Christmas shrub popped off and went skittering across the ceramic floor to hide under the couch. It was so obvious that the holiday was taunting me - “Your tree sucks so bad, even the ornaments want nothing to do with it.”

Instead of taking my tree out back and setting it on fire, I poured some eggnog in my coffee and went to my room to find a book. It was a gift from my friend, John Blase. He sent it to me last year, and I knew this morning that it was time to read it again...

Last year, we had gone to the states in December, and I was super stoked because I wanted my kind of Christmas. Ya know? With that chill in the air and the yummy piney Christmas tree scent. But when we got there, instead of feeling all happy and nostalgic, I felt depressed and displaced. I can't exactly say why, and I'll spare you the boring details, but let's just say it was baaaad. Christmas came and went, and all I could think of was getting back on a plane, back to Costa Rica, back to normal life. Then, one day toward the end of the trip, when I was feeling particularly sad and self-absorbed, I picked up John's little book and locked myself in the bathroom where I read it from cover to cover.

John is a story teller of a different sort. The only way to describe him is simply to say that he picks perfect words. He chooses the kind of words that breath new life into old stories, and his tender retelling of the Christmas story is no different. 

Not gonna lie, the title, Touching Wonder, makes me chuckle as it conjures some truly sophomoric jokes - but I'm just stupid like that. It's the subtitle,Recapturing the Awe of Christmas, that really sings to me. And, last year, when I read this book on the toilet (lid closed, thankyouverymuch!), that's exactly what it helped me do. 

I just needed a little reminder that the story of Jesus wasn't built around tradition, it was built aroundpeople. Real people. Living, breathing, messy people. People who may have occasionally lost sight of the importance of what was happening in their lives, but still had a role in the story.

Don't get me wrong, I will always believe that tradition is lovely and valuable. And I think there's space for Christmas trees and Santa Claus and gift giving and eggnog and eating candycanes for dinner on Christmas Eve and again for breakfast on Christmas morning (What? You don't do that?!). And I cherish the way my kids say, “Remember that time...” and then we laugh about that one time when we crammed a 20 foot tree in our teeny-tiny house, or that other time when we spent hours making a popcorn garland and then we ate it.

But I'm learning that the oldest and richest traditions of Christmas are found, not in how we hang the stockings, bit in what we bring to the table as we seek Him, year after year. It's how we chase down the star that beckons us in the night, how we bring our gifts to the alter of a baby King, how we look for the path that God would have us traverse and then choose that path above all others. It's found in how we share the story of Jesus arrival with our children and our grandchildren... Even if it is under the twinkling lights of a juniper bush on an 80° day in December. ;)

About the whole "sleeping with your brother" thing…

Okay, so I'm not going to write EVERY DAY, but I thought perhaps it was necessary to at least explain the "sleeping with your brother" ponder I had a while back before too much time elapses from my last post.  Hope that is okay.  If it isn't okay - well - I'm pretty sure there isn't a gun to your head MAKING you read this.  :)  For those of you brave enough to continue… here we go!  (Don't worry - it's not going to be a long explanation)


So… you know how sometimes you read things in the Bible and then kind of go - wait, what? Well, this wasn't exactly one of THOSE times, but I was thinking about the Bible… Old Testament… and it occurred to me that there had to have been a time where God finally said to everyone - "Okay. I just need you to know that it is now NOT okay to sleep with your brother/sister in order to populate the earth."  One day it WAS okay… the next day (whenever that day was) it was NOT.  So I was wondering how/when that happened?  Was it weird? How can it (one day) not be weird, and then (the next day) be weird? hmm.  Did brothers and sisters have to fight hard to not have feelings for each other "like that"?  Or did they just decide that one of their cousins was way more attractive?  hmm.  It's on my list of "things to ask God about when I see him face to face."  I know what you're thinking too - "That will SO not be on your mind at that moment!"  Oh yeah??  Well, yes.  You are probably right.  Not in that first moment of being eye to eye with Him.  But… I have all eternity and you can bet it WILL come up in conversation at some stage.  


Yes.  I know.  I warned you… this blog is me.  Allllll me.  The good and bad, deep and shallow.  "I am, I said… to no one there..." hahaha! Sorry… random Neil Diamond song just came flying through the grey matter. Hopefully you ARE there and will even choose to come back for more.  That would be very cool.  


Oh - and would LOVE to hear your thoughts about this particular topic.  Have YOU ever thought about it?? 

I'm baaaaack!

Hey blog world!  So I've made a decision.  I am sending monthly newsletters out to those who are interested… mainly covering work stuff and whatever happens to be going on in that arena… but it's not the place where I can just talk about whatever is on my mind.  I was thinking about some great blogs that I read often, and thought - yeah!  I want to be doing more of that.  They are all so real and honest and thought-provoking, and pretty much make my day whenever there's a new post, so thought I'd give it a whirl and see what comes of it.  


I'm planning on just shooting from the hip on this one.  It might make you uncomfortable - in a good way hopefully - but it's going to be real.  There are things that I think we all need to think about… why we do what we do… and sometimes that means asking the hard questions.  The ones that you fully would have gotten in trouble for if you dared ask in church or even sometimes at home.  So how does that sound?  Will you come with me on a little journey of thought-provoking drivel? It won't always be that deep… but it will be things I am pondering I guess, which honestly, are sometimes shallow and stupid.  For example, I have spent a bit of time wondering when it became NOT okay to sleep with your brother…??  It WAS okay for a good long while - obviously.  Stuff like that.  (*example of the shallow, stupid things that wander through my mind unannounced at times.) 


Whether or not you come back… I'll be here.  :)  I'd love to hear from you though - because dialog is way more important than just talking to myself.  So if you have something to say - please feel free!  The only way your comments will NOT get posted is if you are abusive.  No one needs to hear that junk.  Other than that though… I'd love to hear what you think!  


The thing is… I don't know if you can even comment on here if you don't have a blog yourself - and that's lame.  So if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can do this more effectively so more people can jump in on the discussion - let me know, k?  Thanks!


OH!  I just saw where you can subscribe so you get my updates on here straight to your email - now there's an idea!  So give that a whirl if you want.  Looking forward to some good processing… and hopefully won't lose any of my ministry supporters along the way!  haha


Right now… I need to go do some work.  Back atcha lata!  Have a great day.  x

Hotties… and SIN

Where I'm from they call hot water bottles "hotties".  Knowing that may make you realize I'm not talking about really good looking men.  But… hot water bottles… and SIN??  Yeah.

So a few weeks ago I was FREEZING and got my hottie all ready to take to bed with me (sheesh, that just sounds bad!) but couldn't find the cover.  Not a problem I thought!  I went to sleep hugging that bottle like it was the only thing keeping me alive!  haha  It was sooooo nice and warm, in fact, so warm that I had to keep changing it up and moving it around cuz it was actually TOO warm.  Man it was nice though, and in no time, I was fast asleep.

I got up the next day, went to take a shower and noticed I had blisters on my stomach!  Full on, sticking out, burn blisters!  "What the?!" was my initial response.  And then I remembered… my hottie.  Ugh.  But I didn't feel it burning me, and it must have been sitting on my skin for a while to give me blisters like that.  But honestly - I did not feel a thing all night long!  Slept like a baby actually (without all the waking up and screaming for food that is common to babies).  I'm pretty sure that's why you're supposed to have a cover for the hottie.  Apparently when you're sleeping, the burning happens slowly over a long period of time, and you never know.  WEIRD.

I got to thinking about sin, and how sin is like a hottie = All nice and cozy to begin with, feeling like you just can't live without it, comforting… but in the "morning" or whenever the sin is finished, you have full-fledged blisters on your heart and soul.  And you didn't even feel them forming.  Those blisters, as the ones on my stomach, take time to heal.  And depending on the depth of the sin and the depth of the burns… there may be some serious scars left behind.  Wow.  It's so true!

So remember that the next time the enemy tries to taunt you into doing something you know you shouldn't.   Remember the hottie.  Remember the scars.  And remember that you won't feel the burning until it's too late.

I just noticed this morning, probably about 3 weeks after the hottie incident, that I still have a mark from one of the blisters.  Hmmm.  Really need to find that cover!!

It's just one of those… few months!

Life for me the last few months has been a practical application of the word "flexibility".  Good thing I have that one firmly tucked under my belt - thanks YWAM - and so it hasn't exactly thrown me… but my neck is a little sore from all the whipping around!  Here's an example: I have honestly tried to sit down and write a newsletter about 6 times since my last one - which was like in December or some crazy long time ago.  For one reason or another it hasn't gotten written, and about two days after each attempt to write it, pretty much everything I was going to say I was doing fell apart, changed, or for whatever reason became non-existent.  WEIRD.  So I've been kinda glad I never actually wrote anything, or I would have had to turn around the next week and send a one liner that says, "I'm sorry.  Disregard everything in the last newsletter, because it's not happening anymore".  hmm.  Maybe what I have perceived as a lack of motivation has actually been God's hand intervening, knowing this roller coaster I'm on will be taking some 360's I'm not expecting.  I do know that He DOES KNOW, and that's really pretty comforting in the middle of the chaos!

I'm taking a few days to pray through all these changes though, so I can be sure I'm making wise decisions based on the things that have transpired.  You know how at times you feel like you are in a car just sort of spinning out of control, and really what you need is a huge magnet that will come down and *SLAM* into the roof just to stop it so you can see straight for a minute?  Yup.  That would be nice right about now.  I've decided to get out of the car all together and take a hike down to where I can sit on the grass by the river's edge completely distancing myself from the sounds of the other cars flying past me.  I need some "still water", and some "restoring of my soul".  


Hey - side note - I know I have told a few of you about this incredible new piece of history I learned at church a couple of Sundays ago, but let me tell the rest of you cuz it's way cool:  Apparently the Jews in Bible times were hugely afraid of the water in a lake because they thought there were demonic forces that lived in the bottom of them.  So being fishermen was a huge challenge for them!  Think about what the implications of that fact have to do with these two stories:  Peter walking on the water, and Psalm 23.  What hit me most was the Psalm 23 part.  

This is an example of a picture
from the Bible Story Book

You know how we grow up believing that the "still waters" of Ps 23 are peaceful and calm?   I was raised in a 7th Day Adventist school, and we had these Bible story books where all the pictures were sort of… soft and perfect. I always thought about it like that - Jesus sitting with me beside a beautiful stream with a few awesome trees and lots of green grass where we would lay on our backs and get lost pointing out cloud shapes… all in rather soft pastel colors.  Yeah!  That was the picture my whole life.  Until now.  


If the Jewish connotation of "still waters" was where demonic forces lived, then really, God is promising to lead us by our most terrifying fears… but promising also to restore our souls in the process.  WOWSER!!!  I don't know about you - but that rocked my world.  No more laying there whistling through blades of grass without a care in the world!  Here's the kicker though - my God has promised to not just walk with me past those terrifying things, but He is LEADING me beside them!  All for the purpose of ultimately restoring my soul, healing my wounds, giving me the grace to face my fears, and strength to look my insecurities and anxieties straight in the eye… because restoration can only come once you see what it is that has ripped you off.  Okay.  So does that rock your world even a little bit??  Am I the only one??  


Sorry - long side note. :)  


Back to where I started… I don't know how all that is going on around me will resolve, but this I do know:  I am NEVER alone.  I have the mastermind of the universe giving me wisdom and direction and discernment.  So if you have some time and would like to pray with me these next few days - that would be awesome!  I am so convinced that I'm on the right path… and I believe that nothing is wasted in God, so I continue to say "bring it!" because all things DO work together for GOOD for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.  And that's me.  I love God, and I'm called.  So yeah. Bring it.  :)  


And keep your eyes out for that newsletter.  I'm pretty sure it's not all that far away.  

I've got to write something - N.O.W.

I was sitting here today stressed out because I am SO overdue in writing a newsletter.  I've been stressed about that for weeks now.  Here's the funny part - I have found that every missionary I know HATES writing newsletters.  It's almost like "newsletter" has become a 4-letter word in missionary circles.  I can be around other missionaries, and if they have a certain edge to their voice, or seem a bit distracted and grumpy I usually say, "In the middle of your newsletter?" And it's almost always followed by a somewhat exasperated and defeated, "Yes."  So why is that?!

There is nothing more exciting to me than what I do in missions.  This journey God has called me to is seriously THE BEST gig I have ever had in my life, and yet to have to sit down and creatively write about it is one of the hardest things to do!  I love to talk about what God is doing, and how he has been directing my every step for the last 14+ years now.  I love to tell people about his faithfulness and how I can't do a day of this without his help and guidance.  I love to tell people about how it's hard work, but I wouldn't trade all I have seen, experienced, and the ways I have grown and deepened my walk with God, for anything "normal".  I love to get others fired up about the God that I love, and the incredible, hands-down action packed life he's asked me to live - walking with me every step of the way.  People have told me over the years how they are just in awe… amazed at how much I have "given up" to be in overseas missions.  I always want to laugh at that, because honestly - I keep thinking someone is going to find out one of these days how much fun I have doing what I do, and how much I love it - and tell me I'm doing it wrong.  I mean seriously - being a missionary is NOT supposed to be FUN - right?!

I knew once I agreed to be a missionary that one of the things I needed to do was go back to my home church, and hopefully one day others, and show them that giving up everything to follow Jesus is the coolest thing you could ever do!  These are not the days of hair in a bun, no makeup, and isolation for years on end in the middle of a people group who would just as soon boil you for dinner, then listen to you try and communicate Jesus' love to them.  The crazy thing is - the missionaries from back in that day have the stories that would make anyone want to stay home (unless, like me, you're a little crazy and think it all sounds like an amazing adventure!).  It's just that for some weird reason they weren't allowed back then to tell those stories with anything other than a deadpan, expressionless face… minus any passion.  It was hard.  It was sacrifice.  It was lonely.  And anything other than that was… wrong.  That was my perception growing up anyway, and the reason I felt the blood drain out of my face when all those years ago sitting on my deck in California I realized God wanted me to be in full-time overseas missions.  THAT (the old missionary model) was NOT ME.  Thankfully, God agreed.  :)

Anyway, I thought today I would at least get something new up on my blog.  It's been way too long.  Even though the need for a newsletter is still stressing me out… I want you to know that God IS up to a whole lot with me here in New Zealand!!  I DO have lots to tell you… but at the moment, I'm waiting for my new logo to be finished for the ministry I'm starting.  As soon as that's finished, I will reveal what has been consuming my time the last few months.  There's been a lot, and I'm hoping it will be worth the wait when you read all about it.  Till then… you might have to endure a few more blog entries.  They are so much easier in that I can just write honestly… and I'm not having to edit and put in photos and all that stuff.  Ugh.  Newsletters.  A necessary evil I suppose - if I can say that without sounding weird.

Let me ask you something… What do you think about newsletters??  Do you like them?  Are they helpful?  Do they bore you to tears?  Is it really worth the effort?  hmm.  Those are questions I ask myself regularly.  Maybe you can throw in your two cents if you have a minute.  Oh - but if you don't have a blog you can't answer here, but you CAN answer on FB when I post this!  Or send me a personal message… whatever.  It would be GREAT to hear from some of you.  It'd be great to hear from ALL of you - but that's just completely unrealistic, so I thought I'd settle with some.  Jump in and let me know what you think!

My bed is calling me now… so I'll come back another day and carry on with another slice of this journey.  I have blog entries running in my head all the time.  Maybe I need to just purpose to say something here more regularly.  Whether people read it or not - !!  hmm.  Will work on that one.

But Lord… seriously…

I don't know about you… but there are times in my life (one of which I am IN right now) where you have to take a good long soul-searching look at who you ARE.  Not what you do, but who you really are as reflected in the eyes of Jesus.  Has what I DO become intertwined in, or defining who I AM?  I know it might be easy to say a quick "nope!" to that, because that IS the correct answer - but what do we really think in our minds and hearts?  hmm.


Having been in transition for, really, the last 3 years or so, I have to keep reminding myself that GOD is the one running the show - not me.  My great ideas usually aren't all that great, and I guess that's good, because then I know that any success I might have is HIS, not mine - no doubt about it.  Right now I know I'm in the right place, and I know God is teaching me so much… but wow.  It's HARD with a capitol H.A.R.D.


I had a Facebook status the other day that said "Jesus did most of his ministry on His way to somewhere else".  How true is that?!  If you really think about it, sometimes the destination is an anti-climax when you look at all He accomplished along the way.  Crazy!  I must admit, it seems that we have been trained and programed WRONG somehow - especially in ministry.  We have it in our heads that being "still" means being "lazy", when the two are not even close to being the same thing.  And that what we do equals who we are.  And that somehow I am completely and totally responsible for my life or ministry being a "success" whatever that means!  If it's not happening… I need to MAKE it happen.


It's real funny because in the church, or in overseas missions, there is an expectation that you should constantly be doing SOMETHING productive, something that produces the numbers, because it seems numbers are what we are concerned with and how we gauge success.  "How many people have you led to the Lord this year?"  "How is your ministry looking on a spread sheet of God things?"  "How many miracles have you seen the Lord perform in your ministry?"  "SHOW ME SOME TANGIBLE RESULTS!!!" Whether those questions are actually asked out loud or not - that's where people are at.  That's what they want to hear.  That's what keeps the support coming.  But how in the world did we ever get to the point of making the determinations that the STATS are what GOD is interested in???  What does HE say is important… it's things like taking care of the least of these… looking after the poor and needy, widows and orphans.  Giving a cold cup of water to someone who's really thirsty.  Speaking up on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves.  Did they get "saved" when you handed them that cup of water?  I don't know - maybe, maybe not.  But that's not MY job, that's God's job to save them.  I am only responsible to be obedient to what He asks me to do - and maybe that was just to give the cup of water and then walk away.  But there's so much pressure to "make the sale" that we get all stressed out when it doesn't happen -- in our presence.


So here I am… kinda tired of being still to be honest.  I want something I can sink my teeth into… something that people can look at and go - AH HA!  Now she's really doing something!  And the Lord keeps saying to me… LOOK AT ME.  LOOK ME IN THE EYE.  Don't worry about THEM.  I am learning I need to quit fighting this place I'm in, and try to enjoy it and learn all I can, because it won't last forever.  And I don't want to miss one special thing from the Lord during this time.  HE is the one I am doing this for… to see HIS kingdom come to earth.  He is the one I ultimately have to answer to, and if He needs some one-on-one time with me right now, then okay!  I have to trust Him to take care of all my needs in that process.


Who am I?  I'm not what I do.  What I DO is merely walking out the Jesus in me.  And here's the verse I am clinging to these days:

"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!  Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."  Hebrews 10:35-36


If you're struggling right now with being still… or confusing your identity in who you are with what you do… be encouraged.  You are NOT alone.  Someone told me the other day that the longer it takes to build the foundation, the wider, the deeper and the stronger it will be.  Do I rush it and force building something that might last, or do I wait and let God build something on His solid foundation that will definitely last?  It almost seems like a rhetorical question, because the answer is so painfully obvious.  I know that in the middle of all the struggle with waiting… it's probably the only way for me to be still enough, settled enough, quiet enough, to look Him in the eye… and hear Him say "you are mine and that's all that matters".  And when I hear that…. I let out a sigh from the depths of my soul and I know everything will be okay.


So Lord… seriously… thank you.

Hunting and Soaring

You know how I have mentioned the hawk who lives in the valley below my shack?  Well, the other day I was watching him flying around again, but this time he wasn't hunting for food.  He caught a wind current and was making huge circles up and up and up into the sky.  He actually got so high I could hardly see him!  I couldn't help but think how much fun he was having!  This particular moment was definitely not about hunting.  It was about enjoying being able to fly!

Sometimes we feel like we're so caught up in the "hunt" that we forget there's a whole other part to our lives… a part for fun and pleasure… enjoying the fact that we have "wings" and can fly - simply for the joy of flying!

I don't know about you… but today… I'm gonna fly for a while, just because.

Weddings, marriage, and some other gushy stuff

I was thinking today about marriage - mainly weddings.  My wedding to be specific.  Now don't get all excited - I am announcing NOTHING.  But I thought I'd share my ponderings with you today just because. Well, why NOT?  This is a blog - right?  


In the last couple years I feel like I've been more "ready" to get married than ever before IN MY LIFE.  The funny thing is, I also feel like there's a narrow window of opportunity, if you will, and if I don't meet someone in this window, I'll move on and that will be that.  It's kind of an odd thought/feeling really.  But, if you know me at all, you'll know that I've never been one of "those girls" who HAD to be married or life was just a disaster.  Not at all.  In fact, the feeling of really WANTING to be married is kinda new in some ways.  I have always looked at it more as potentially a huge benefit to my ministry calling if anything - someone to share all that with, etc.  Well, that, and of course someone to watch my stuff in the airport when I need to go to the bathroom, or wander the shops.  But I guess the part about the threat of not being on the same page once you ARE married still freaks me out a bit, and makes me think - nope!  I'm good to go just like I am thanks!!  ha.  When I think about how great it COULD be though if you ARE on the same page, going in the same direction… then I'm like - okay.  I'm up for that!  :)  I guess ultimately it doesn't matter what I'm up for though, or where I'm at with it all… God will either bring someone along or not. Plain and simple.  My thinking has been more like… okay God.  If that's what you WANT, then I just want to let you know I'm good with that.  Well, as long as he's not shorter than I am.  EEK.  


So I was having some time with the Lord this morning, and was thinking about the whole marriage deal - and how that analogy is used so much in the Bible when describing our relationship with Jesus.  That got me thinking about all the crazy stuff going on in the world… flooding in Australia, earthquakes in Christchurch, bizarre over the top snow and winter stuff in the USA, shootings in Arizona, and wherever it just was that kid shot up another school and then killed himself, people STILL dying of curable diseases and lack of clean water around the world, babies being left in street gutters, 400 shacks being burnt to the ground displacing hundreds of people in a township in South Africa, (like life isn't hard enough already for them!), this next generation having the attitude of "as long as you're HONEST with me it doesn't matter who you are, or what you believe".  Crazy.  All of it.  


The Bible says to watch and be ready when you see all these things happening because it means HE is coming back soon!!  Coming back to take His bride… those of us who He has called His own.  The culmination of a waiting period that in our limited view has been the waiting of MANY lifetimes.  So I thought hmm.  My wedding IS coming up one of these days - the final big deal wedding, where it will all be done and over with here on earth like we know it.  The most extravagant and over-the-top wedding anyone has EVER seen!  And I thought… am I ready??  Am I preparing myself for that day when I will be in my white flowing gown standing at the back of the church ready to walk down the aisle and meet my fiance who I love more than life itself?  Or… am I freaking out, frantically trying to wipe the dirt off my face, and grab something clean to wear as I run down the street barefoot to just GET THERE?  Or, worse yet, sitting on a chair in the back yard, in shorts and a tank top fiddling around with who knows what, while everyone is at the church waiting for me…without a clue today is the day?  Do I want this crazy mess of life right now to just be OVER, or am I so flippin excited that I will one day soon get to be with my beloved that nothing else really matters….?  Am I doing my level best to look absolutely stunning to him when he gets that first glimpse of me at the back of the church?  Or am I so blah about it all that I kinda go - *yawn* Let me know when you want me.  hmm.  


I got excited today as we sat and talked!  Excited to think about being with Jesus for all eternity!!  Really, that term "all eternity" is something my finite brain can't comprehend, but I know it's a pickin long time!  No more pain, no more suffering, no more loss, no more conflict, no more fear, no more inadequacy, no more need to loose weight, get fit, or deal with some bizarre incurable disease, no more pain from emotional hurt, no more victimization or abuse, no more enemies or the ultimate enemy trying to lure us into things that will destroy us inside and out, nor more tears and sadness, no more trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to DO with my life making sure I'm still in the calling God has for me, NO MORE.  Gone.  Poof.  Done.

Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens,

   “It has come at last—
      salvation and power
   and the Kingdom of our God,
      and the authority of his Christ.
   For the accuser of our brothers and sisters
      has been thrown down to earth—
   the one who accuses them
      before our God day and night.
 ¹¹ And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
      and by their testimony.
   And they did not love their lives so much
      that they were afraid to die.
 ¹² Therefore, rejoice, O heavens!
      And you who live in the heavens, rejoice!
   But terror will come on the earth and the sea,
      for the devil has come down to you in great anger,
      knowing that he has little time.”  Rev. 12:20-12

You've heard it said many times I'm sure… look around!  The end is coming!  Will it be in our generation?  No one can say for sure.  Every generation thinks it is going to happen in their lifetime.  And one of these days, someone will be right!  So I guess the question put to us all is - do we want to get married, and are we getting ready for that incredible day?  This is our window of opportunity.  Let's make the most of it.